By Vito Pilieci

A couple of months ago, Marisa Murray stepped out to grab a bite to eat with a friend.

The restaurant they chose was busy, and the table they sat at was shoehorned between two large families. They didn’t mind, but as Murray settled in, she found herself paying more attention to the people at the tables beside her than the person at her own.

What caught the clinical psychology student’s eye was that the families were socializing, but not with each other: Everyone, from the children to the grandparents, was nose deep in an electronic device.

“It was so strange. There was no conversation. Within the family, everyone had a cellphone. They ordered their appetizers, then they each got back to their device. There was minimal conversation among the family members,” said Murray, who studies at the University of Ottawa. “The conversation that was happening was along the lines of who was updating Facebook, what they were tweeting or a game they were playing. I couldn’t believe it. To witness firsthand what I have been reading in peer-review journal articles, it boggled my mind.”

Murray left the restaurant shocked by what she had seen and took her observations to her supervisor, Gary Goldfield, a clinical scientist in the Healthy Active Living and Obesity Research Group at the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario Research Institute.

She was interested in how the proliferation of Internet devices and social media affects the family dynamic and, more specifically, what impact it has on healthy eating habits created during familial meal times.

Goldfield was intrigued by Murray’s questions and observations — they seemed to support anecdotal observations of his own — but he wanted to delve deeper.

‘There are some very valuable things about social media and networking, and there are also some dangers’

In an age when Internet devices are always on, meeting face-to-face is becoming increasingly rare as people choose to meet screen-to-screen. Goldfield wants to know what this new dynamic is doing to normal social interaction? How do these devices and social media services, such as Facebook, affect the way we socialize and communicate with each other?

But, more than that, what impact do these social networks have on their user’s mental health?

Murray and Goldfield have teamed up and have scraped together funding to conduct a study this summer examining the impact Facebook has on people’s mental health and their everyday lives and interactions.

They aren’t alone.

John Lyons, director of CHEO’s mental-health research group, has applied to the Canadian Institutes of Health Research for a grant to conduct his own study into the topic. However, Lyon’s study will be laser focused. With so much anecdotal evidence about the effects of cyberbullying and online taunts, he wants to know what role social media plays in a person’s decision to end their life, and if there is a way to leverage social technologies to reach out to people considering suicide.

“It’s becoming the medium by which young people communicate with each other. It’s a pretty significant social change,” said Lyons. “There are some very valuable things about social media and networking, and there are also some dangers. Historically, the (societal) changes have been in musical taste and style of dress. Now it has to do with technology and the use of technology to deal with social relations. It’s so fast moving and there is so much going on that it’s rather complicated to figure out the good and the bad aspects of it.”

The CHEO researchers are part of a growing number of psychologists and other health professionals eager to understand social media and the impact it is having on society. As the popularity of Facebook and other social media websites continues to soar, the online offerings are increasingly finding themselves under the microscope.

None is drawing more attention than Facebook, and it’s easy to see why.

With more than 800 million users accessing Facebook regularly, and roughly 425 million accessing the site using a mobile device, the service’s reach has become all-encompassing. There are 18 million Canadians on Facebook — more than half our population. More than 12 million of us visit the site daily. On a per-capita basis, Canada has the highest number of Facebook users in the world. The average Canadian has 225 “friends” on the social network, though recent studies from the University of Waterloo have shown that as many as half of our “friends” are people we don’t even really know.

Facebook, which is preparing to hold an initial public offering that will value it at US$100-billion, knows everything about its users. It knows what they do, who they hang out with, where they shop and when, what brands they like, what they watch on TV, what kind of music they listen to and who a user’s family members are. More than that, all of that information is shared with anyone a user has identified as a “friend.”

Users have now had seven years to figure out how to use sites like Facebook and Twitter and have fallen into regular usage patterns with those services. Daily social media usage habits are proving to be an untapped treasure trove of information about how the emerging digital era will affect our everyday lives in the years ahead.

If the results of early studies are any indication, the digital era may be turbulent.

Amanda Forest, a graduate student in the department of psychology at the University of Waterloo, has been studying how people use the site.

“We thought people with low self-esteem may find Facebook a more appealing place to connect with people because they don’t have to have that awkwardness of in-person interaction,” she says.

“But, what we found was people with low self-esteem tend to express a lot of negative emotion and not so much positive emotion. The reactions they got wasn’t so great. People with low self-esteem were liked less.”

Similarly, Forest said people with high self-esteem posting positive status updates were rewarded with more comments and “likes” by their friends.

Her research, which has been published in the Association for Psychological Science’s journal Psychological Science, hasn’t yet examined how being ignored affects people with low self-esteem. However, she said it isn’t unreasonable to believe that it only further damages that individual’s perception of themselves, creating a slippery slope.

Boston-area pediatrician Gwenn O’Keeffe has coined the phrase “Facebook depression,” which she included in the newly revised American Academy of Pediatrics social media guidelines. The document is a guide for parents raising children growing up in the electronic world. Facebook acts as a type of magnifier for people who are susceptible to depression, O’Keeffe says.

In a speech delivered to the American Psychological Association in August, Larry Rosen, professor of psychology at California State University, Dominguez Hills, outlined the results of some recent research, which also points to the darker side of social media.

He found:

— Teens using Facebook have more narcissistic tendencies while young adults who have a strong Facebook presence show more signs of other psychological disorders, including anti-social behaviours;

— Daily overuse of media and technology has a negative effect on the health of all children, preteens and teenagers by making them more prone to anxiety, depression and other psychological disorders;

— Facebook can be distracting and can negatively impact learning. Studies found that middle school, high school and college students who checked Facebook at least once during a 15-minute study period achieved lower grades.

Rosen suggested that parents monitor their children’s use of social media but warned against trying to police their activity. He said policing a child’s online activity will only push the child to conduct that activity in a place or at a time when a parent can’t watch them.

Rosen suggested open communication about the benefits and dangers of social media and the importance of setting limits on the amount of time spent on social media websites.

Rosen’s warnings about monitoring the time spent on services like Facebook are timely given the steady increase in what some psychologists are calling Facebook Addiction Disorder — when people are afraid to disconnect from social media services because they think they’re going to missing something important.

The disorder, which is not a clinical diagnosis and is not yet recognized by the broader medical community, is attracting attention. In a paper that will soon be published in the journal Psychological Science, a team of researchers from Chicago University’s Booth Business School, led by Wilhelm Hofmann, has found that Facebook and social media websites may be as addictive as alcohol or cigarettes.

The researchers gave BlackBerrys to 205 people between the ages of 18 and 85 in the German city of Wurzburg and then tracked how much they wanted to use social media. The study found that their desire to participate in social media websites, such checking Facebook or Twitter, was only surpassed by their desires to sleep and have sex.

The desire to stay connected “actually plagues us,” says Sydneyeve Matrix, a media professor at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ont.

“There is a genuine fear of missing out, and you aren’t paranoid. You are actually missing out on a lot of stuff that goes on — if you are not online, on Facebook specifically,” she said. “It’s becoming the destination. The default. For many people it’s the beginning and the end of their web experience.”

Matrix, whose field of expertise is online trends, says different generations are using social media in different ways. While older groups may be using it to see pictures of family members or brag about their latest accomplishments, younger generations are using it to gossip.

“They want to know who is dating who, where the next big party is and whether they can get notes from a lecture they missed,” she said. “The more we use our mobile phones, the more they become an extension of ourselves. I do see students quitting Facebook for exams because they feel the pressure to be on it and be distracted is so great that the only way they can deal with that is to take a big break.”

The urge to stay connected is a key component of the research that CHEO’s Goldfield plans to begin shortly.

“It’s a very real phenomena that happening. I see it in my clinical practice,” he said. “I’ve had three new (referrals) in the past two weeks from mothers saying, ‘I want to get my kids off Facebook’.”

As the research outlining the dangers of social media continues to pile up, none of the researchers are willing to completely write off websites such as Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter. Social media services have many good points, they say, but it’s important to understand their dangers as they become a greater part of our everyday lives.

“We need way more research in this area before we can make any definitive conclusions about the psychological risks or benefits of using social media,” said Goldfield.

The research that has been released so far has also attracted a fair share of critics who say the studies don’t identify whether Facebook and other social media services are the trigger for mental-health issues or if the online services attract people who had issues before they signed up.

Goldfield and Murray’s study hopes to help answer some of those questions by monitoring the social media behaviour of 500 students at the University of Ottawa. The study, which will be the largest of its kind to date, will begin in the coming weeks and it should be completed by the end of the summer.

“Mirrors are perpetually deceitful. They lie and steal your true self. They reveal only what your mind believes it sees.” – Dee Remy

Are you finding yourself in front of your mirror on a regular basis and noting all of your imperfections?  Are you embarrassed to leave the home because of a minor flaw or blemish on your face?  Is plastic surgery on the horizon for you in the near future?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be dealing with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).  The DSM-IV defines BDD as “a preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a slight physical anomaly is present, the person’s concern is markedly excessive. This preoccupation often causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. This preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (eg, dissatisfaction with body shape and size in anorexia nervosa).”

BDD is distinguished from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa , to the extent that patients w anorexia or bulimia disorders are preoccupied with their overall weight and body shape. BDD however focuses on a specific area and is not related to weight or dieting. An example might be an adolescent who thinks that her breasts are too large and wants to have plastic surgery to reduce their size but is otherwise unconcerned about her weight and is eating normally.  Recent statistics indicate a many as 50% of patients diagnosed with BDD undergo plastic surgery to correct their perceived physical defects.

Individuals with BDD often focus so much on the defect, they often lose sight of the whole self. A person with a pimple on their nose might feel it is considerably larger than it actually is and their reactions fit their perception rather than reality. This may be caused by an error in the visual processing region of your brain.  This visual processing error can lead to low self-esteem, high suicide risk, and repeated cosmetic surgery. Although the symptoms appear psychological in nature, new research by UCLA psychiatrist  Jamie D. Feusner appears to indicate it might actually be linked to problems with seeing the big picture in the brain.

In the study, subjects were shown blurred pictures of their own faces while inside the fMRI machine. Dr. Feusner observed, compared to healthy control subjects, those subjects identified with BDD showed much less activity in the brain region responsible for forming visual details into composite forms. This inability to see the whole picture generalized to other activities as well, including looking at pictures of houses.  People with BDD tend to have difficulty seeing the whole picture and cannot process the context of what they are looking at.  This perceptual error seems to be the underlying reason individuals suffer from a distorted self image, which defines BDD.

Causes of BDD

Although recent research points to an error in the visual processing region of the brain, other research indicates the cause might be related to low seratonin levels in the brain. Seratonin, a neurotransmitter produced by the brain, is often associated with depression and mood disorders when levels are below normal in the brain.  Another significant factor in the development of BDD is the influence of the mass media, particularly the role of advertising in spreading images of physically “perfect” men and women. Impressionable young children and adolescents absorb the message that anything short of physical perfection is unacceptable. This may lead to developing distorted perceptions of their own faces and bodies. Family of origin plays an important role in our self perceptions, which can increase our vulnerability to BDD. Children whose parents are obsessed with appearance, dieting, and/or bodybuilding; or who are highly critical of their children’s looks, are at greater risk of developing BDD.  A history of trauma and abuse can also be an additional factor. When an individual with a history of trauma or abuse buries their feelings about the abuse or traumatic incident, the oppressed feelings can emerge in the form of obsessions about physical features. This “reassignment” of feelings is called displacement.  An example that best describes this displacement is an adolescent with a history of physical abuse as a young child becoming obsessed with body building and strength.

Individuals with BDD can have symptoms similar to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) since anxiety is at the root of both disorders.

Symptoms of BDD  include:

• Ritualistic Behavior:  Ritualistic behavior refers to actions that the individual performs to manage anxiety and that take up excessive amounts of his/her time. Individuals are frequently upset if someone or something interferes with or interrupts their ritual. For individuals diagnosed with BDD, these ritualistic behaviors may include exercise or makeup routines, assuming specific poses or postures in front of a mirror, etc.
• Camouflaging: Individuals with BDD usually spend a great amount of time camouflaging “problem” feature or body part with makeup, hats, or clothing. 94% of individuals with BDD have reported camouflaging.
• Mirror Obsession:  Abnormal behavior around mirrors, large storefront windows, or similar reflecting surfaces is common with individuals with BDD.  A majority of individuals diagnosed with BDD frequently check their appearance in mirrors or spend long periods of time doing so.  A few react in the opposite direction and avoid mirrors when possible.
• Fishing for Compliments:  Individual with BDD frequently ask for reassurance from others about their appearance.
• Self Comparisons:  Individuals with BDD frequently compare their own appearance to others.
• Social Avoidance:  Due to their insecurities, individual with BDD often avoid activities outside the home, including school and social events*.

*The loss of functioning resulting from BDD can have serious consequences for the individuals future. Adolescents with BDD often cut school and may be reluctant to participate in sports, youth groups, or hold part-time or summer jobs. Many individuals are unable to remain in school, form healthy relationships, or keep steady jobs.  Adults with muscle dysmorphia have been known to turn down job promotions in order to have more time to focus on their imperfections by working out more at the gym or fitness centers. The economic consequences of BDD can  include overspending on cosmetics, clothing, or plastic surgery.

Treatment

Individuals with BDD often respond well to medications such as antidepressants as well as individual therapy using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). CBT has been found useful in reducing BDD symptoms. With CBT, individuals learn to see themselves in the mirror without the need for negative self talk or tendency to focus on the negative defects. CBT also challenges inaccurate self-perceptions the individual might have about themselves. Relaxation techniques paired with CBT work well for individuals with BDD.

In more severe cases, hospitalization may be warranted for individuals with BDD.  Since BDD patients have a high rate of self-destructive behavior, including performing surgery on themselves at home (e.g. liposuction followed by skin stapling, removing facial scars with sand paper, or even sawing down their teeth), hospitalization might be the best place for them to get the help they need. Individuals with severe cases of BDD have a high rate of attempted and completed suicide. Out of 100 individuals diagnosed with BDD, 48% have been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons and 30% had made at least one suicide attempt.

The best preventive strategy appears to be simply challenging the perception of those afflicted with unrealistic images of themselves. Despite the pervasive influence of the mass media in our lives, we must educate ourselves and our children about the realities of those supposed “perfect” images we are exposed to. Point out the airbrushing and photo-shopping involved in getting models to look a certain way. Most importantly, talk to young children about the pitfalls of trying to look “perfect”. Teach them the importance of being well rounded, mentally and physically. Stop complimenting girls and boys on just their physical appearance and attributes. Compliment them on being smart, kind, compassionate, and generous rather than on being beautiful and cute.  By doing so, you are teaching them to value themselves as a whole rather than a physical part or feature.  Lastly, educate yourself on the symptoms of BDD and pay attention to changes in your children’s dress and behavior. Early intervention is key.

Abu Huraryah (ra) narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “When one of you sees someone who has been blessed more than him in money or appearance, then let him look at someone lesser than him, whom he has been preferred over.” (Bukhari) 

What is Envy?

Envy is a puzzling and complex emotion. In Christianity, it is  known as one of the “Seven Deadly Sins”.  In Islam, there is hasad (destructive jealousy) where the envier wishes evil for others and to be happy when misfortune befalls them. Ghibtah, however, is envy that is free from malice, meaning the envier neither wants the loss of the blessing nor hating for it to remain with the person, but desiring the same for oneself without the removal of the blessing from others. Envy is not a respected emotion in religion, philosophy, or psychology, yet many of us are suffering from it more and more in a world that forces us to compare ourselves to others.  On Facebook we are forced to look into the lives of others and wonder if our life compares as well.  In magazines and talk shows, we are forced to look into the lives of celebrities, which leaves us wondering about our own lives.  Are we thin enough, pretty enough, successful enough, etc? Even if we try and protect our home environment from being invaded by such images, we are bombarded with them each time we go to the grocery store and see magazine covers promoting the lifestyles of the rich and famous; drive through the town or freeways and see billboards with images promoting plastic surgery; or listen to the radio and hear advertisements for various products that will make us prettier, richer and thinner. Young children as a result are starting to worry about their weight and appearance at ages as young as 4-5 years old.  This is worrisome to say the least.

“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself”.  Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”

How Envy Can Destroy Our Lives

“Envy is a propensity to view the well-being of others with distress, even though it does not detract from one’s own. [It is] a reluctance to see our own well being overshadowed by another’s because the standard we use to see how well off we are is not the intrinsic worth of our own well being but how it compares with that of others.  [Envy] aims, at least in terms of one’s wishes, at destroying others’ good fortune”. (Kant, The Metaphysics of Morals 6:459).

Envy and jealousy are often used interchangeably but they are separate and distinct emotions.  Envy is centrally focused on the competition with another.  You can channel the desire for competition into something more productive rather than destructive.

10 Steps to Overcome Envy

1. Stop the comparisons!

If you find yourself stalking your friends on Facebook or comparing yourself to celebrities, catch yourself and STOP IT!  Come up with an affirmation to soothe yourself such as “I feel blessed with all that I have been given.”  Giving thanks to Allah for all that has been bestowed upon you takes your focus on what you don’t have and brings it back to all that you do have.  Make gratitude a regular part of your day.  For 30 days, write down three different things you are grateful for at the end of each day.  Volunteering at a homeless shelter for one day is also a great way to recognize your blessings.

2. Increase your knowledge.

Many of us envy others, whether our Facebook friends or celebrities, without having full knowledge of their lives.

“Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.” –American Indian proverb

When we compare our lives to others, we don’t take into consideration the whole picture.  Several examples come to mind that involve celebrities.  Whitney Houston, for example, had at one point what was considered by many to be a charmed life.  She was beautiful, successful, and filthy rich yet she was haunted by the demons of not being good enough and struggled to be happy without the use of illicit substances.  Demi Moore graced the covers of magazines for years as having it all, including a much younger man.  She was beautiful, successful, and appeared as if she discovered the fountain of youth but in the recent weeks we’ve had a glimpse of the other side of her not so glamorous life.  She is currently in rehab due to her various addictions.  I recall for years magazines would applaud her amazingly fit physique yet we were never privy to what Demi had to put herself through to get that physique.  Many celebrities fear aging and gaining weight so much, they deprive themselves of nourishing sustenance in order to maintain relevant and remain in the public eye.  If we knew all this about our favorite envied individual, would we still want to have that life?  Would it not make our life seem more stable by comparison?

3. Recognize and embrace your own individuality.

We need to learn to appreciate our differences, within ourselves and with others.  We may envy the lives of others but if it were given to us, we may actually wish for our own life back! 

Embrace what makes you unique and what’s different about you.  What you consider a flaw in you might actually be what makes you unique and special.  Barbara Streisand was pressured for years to get a nose job and she refused, now her facial profile is iconic.  Cindy Crawford refused to remove the mole on her face and it set her apart from other super models.

“It is much more difficult to judge oneself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself rightly, than you are indeed a man of true wisdom.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

4. Recognize that the success of others DOES NOT take way from your own!

Be happy for the success and happiness of others and remind yourself it does not take anything away from you.  You create your own path and you are responsible for your successes and failures.  There is more than enough to go around.  You do not need to trample over others to get what you deserve.

5. Learn from the envied:  “Don’t hate, appreciate and emulate!”

Learn from those you envy.  You do not need to have all that they have but maybe you can learn from them.  If you envy a friend for their success or happiness, you can ask them their “secret.”  This can deepen your friendship rather than drive the wedge of resentment and envy further.  If you envy a celebrity, learn from what they are doing right.  Are they eating healthy and exercising?  You can emulate some of the positive traits and apply them to your life.  Do they look young because they take care of their skin?  You can learn from their techniques.

6. Find out what you can do better, how you can be better!

Envy is a non-productive and energy zapping emotion.  You can instead channel your energy towards making yourself better.  Do you envy how creative or talented your friend is?  Explore your own creativity or talents by taking classes and experimenting with various projects.  Is your friend adventurous and you wished you traveled more?  Start saving up for that trip you’ve been wanting to take.  Rather than stand by and hope great things will happen to you, make things happen.

“Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be.”
- Henry David Thoreau

7. Work within your limitations.

Understand what is possible and accept what isn’t.  If you’ve always wanted to jump out of a plane but are terrified of heights, how can you achieve the sensation without having to actually jump out of a plane?  Would riding a scary roller coaster be sufficient?  Would taking a helicopter ride be equivalent?  Work within your limitations and use them to bust through the mental barriers you have set up for yourself.  You don’t have to have everything in place to make your dreams a reality.  Set your intentions and you’ll be amazed how things fall into place after that.  It might take years but once it happens, you’ll realize it happened at just the right time!

8. Keep your focus on your goals.

You must first have goals in order to stay focused on them.  Your goals don’t have to be major accomplishments.  They can start small and lead to bigger goals.  If you want to lose weight, get healthy, become wealthy, go on vacation, etc., start off with writing a goal.  Start with short term goals such as exercise for 20 minutes daily, eat more home made meals, and save up a $1 a day.  Then envision and write down your long-term goals such as lose 20 lbs. in 6 months, reduce need for medication, have $20,000 in bank account, and go to Bora Bora by the summer.   Keep the focus of your goals on increasing your happiness and making you a better person rather than impressing others.  Do things because you want to feel good not because you feel bad about your life.   

9. Be happy for the envied and genuinely mean it.

Being happy for others makes you feel happier inside.  Envy takes our focus away from the connection we all have to each other.  We envy others because we don’t feel good about our own lives.  Instead of allowing envy to erode your self-esteem, boost your self-esteem by remembering what makes you special.  Focusing on your positives will make you notice the positives in others.

“The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Everytime he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” (Muslim). 

10. Be the best that you can be.

Focus on an area of your life that needs improving, whether it’s to become a better person, gossip less, give more, take more time for yourself, get a makeover, get a massage, or learn a new skill.  When you feel good about yourself, it’s easier to be good to those around you.  Confidence and self-esteem are at the core of success and happiness.  Work on improving and increasing your self-esteem and self-confidence. 

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The deeds of anyone of you will not save you from the Fire.” They said, “Even you, [will not be saved by your deeds] O Allah’s Apostle?” He said, “No, even I [will not be saved] unless and until Allah bestows His Mercy on me. Therefore, do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and worship Allah in the forenoon and in the afternoon and during a part of the night, and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target.” (Bukhari)

*This article is adapted from a presentation Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi prepared for the Grand Mawlid event, held February 5th, 2012 in Santa Clara, California.  

According to a Soundvision survey conducted in 2010: “If you attended six Muslim weddings this summer, chances are that two will end up in divorce sooner or later!” That might sound like a shocking statistic, but sadly, right now I can think of two recent marriages that are already on the verge of divorce.

So according to this study, as of the late 1990s, the North American Muslim divorce rate stands at 31.14 percent. Incompatibility was the most cited reason for divorce (16.38%), followed by abuse (13.12%), financial disputes (10.41%), family / in-laws interference (10.20%), sexual infidelity / adultery (8.79%), and others.

When they added the results of “religious incompatibility” to the general “incompatibility” factor, it came out to 25.71%. So, basically 1/3 of our marriages are ending in divorce and 1/4th of those are because of incompatibility, specifically, religious incompatibility.

So what does this mean? Clearly, there is a problem in our marriage selection process when a third of our marriages are falling apart.

In my experience over the past 15 years, talking with Muslim couples from all different backgrounds and ages, I believe there are other, underlying reasons, that further explain why our marriages are falling apart.

For example, there is a major generational disparity between the youth and the elders of our community regarding what defines an “ideal” partner and a happy marriage. The youth have their criteria and the elders have theirs and as the saying goes, “never the twain shall meet!”

Let’s start with the youth. Unfortunately, many of our youth have been affected by what is called “The Love Delusion,” which one article describes as:

“The root of any romance today is love, but it wasn’t always so. In past cultures, people came together because their parents arranged it or they wanted to join lands or kingdoms; love was secondary. Today, love is the only thing that matters. This over-emphasis on love is encouraged by media that tells stories, sings songs and writes books about how true love conquers all, is ultimately fulfilling, brings a never-ending wealth of happiness and is rarely marred by significant conflict. “

People caught up in this are deluded by the characters created by Hollywood & Bollywood, characters like: the “Knight in Shining Armor,” the “Filmi Hero,” the “Bad Boy,” the “Rebel Without a Cause,” the “Girl Next Door,” and the “Girl Who Plays Hard to Get”.

They’re also deluded by the Hollywood notion of what “true love” is and how you’re supposed to feel when you find “The One.” We’ve all seen the dramatic scenes that associate a chemical or visceral reaction with “true love,”…you know the sweaty palms, the heart palpitations, the shortness of breath, and fainting, etc. So basically, the idea that they continue to bombard us with through film, songs, media, etc., is that until or unless you feel these things, you haven’t really found “true love.”

The reality is that the youth of our community are plagued by these destructive and unrealistic thoughts. If you don’t believe me, just look at Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace and see what people are preoccupied with.

I’ve actually heard from sisters, who have said to me, “Sister Hosai, he’s an amazing guy, I know he’ll be a wonderful husband and father, and I have no complaints otherwise…it’s just…it’s just that I don’t feel butterflies when I’m around him!” or “We don’t have any ‘chemistry.’” or …”He’s TOO nice and that turns me off!”

These are girls who are practicing their faith, they’re pious sisters otherwise, but they actually have turned away prospects for “being too nice”! Why? Because “nice guys” finish last in Hollywood, don’t they? They’re often portrayed as the weak, nerdy, geeky types; in other words, the monogamous ones who actually want a relationship! Who wants that when the “Hero” of the film drives up in a leather jacket on a motorcycle and has all the girls swooning over him? Yeah that guy is real marriage material!

Sadly, in many cases, these are the same sisters who are so trapped in the “Love Delusion” they’re willing to wait in line for hours to watch the next film in the Twilight Series or the latest Shahrukh Khan flick at Naz Cinema in Fremont.

And of course, some of our brothers have also been trapped by the “Love Delusion.” They are the ones who are so focused on physicality that if a girl doesn’t have a certain “look” then she isn’t attractive enough; she’s not “his type”. And what is this type? You know, the airbrushed face, the tall and photo-shopped physique, the fake extensions and nails. Basically, the altered and unreal images splattered across magazine covers, billboards, music videos, etc.

In fact I’ve actually had brothers ask me to find them, and I quote, “A Muslim Kim Kardashian”! What on earth does that even mean? She is the epitomy of everything a Muslim woman should NOT be! If you don’t know who she is, then consider yourself very lucky.

Now, in all seriousness, it’s important to mention that of course attraction and compatibility are important. However, when you have unrealistic expectations and wont even consider talking to someone who doesn’t look or act like a figment of your imagination, then clearly there is a problem.

So to summarize, the “Love Delusion” is the first problem. The second problem is with our elders, especially those from immigrant backgrounds, who have an entirely different, and in many cases a much more destructive issue; many of them have very fixed and rigid prejudices, often borrowed from their cultures and customs, that influence the way they select partners for their children.

Sadly, many of these elders are active community members, religiously devoted, and knowledgeable and yet, they may or may not be aware of it, but they hold some of the most distorted views and prejudices imaginable when it comes to marriage, views that have absolutely no basis in Islam.

Why is this so?

Because, if it wasn’t clear before, it should be now, that we have a very serious crisis in our community in our understanding of marriage and how to select the ideal partner. There’s been a major departure from the Islamic standard as people continue to prefer their own individual or cultural standards instead. We cannot allow things to continue as they have been. We need to completely reform our current understanding of what constitutes a good marriage and reassess the criteria with which we select spouses. Because clearly, as the title of this talk states, love alone is not enough, and neither is lust or any other superficial thing for that matter.

So what defines a successful marriage?

Successful marriages are built on solid foundations. In order to learn these things, we need to return to the Prophetic example and see what the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) did in his own life and what he taught others about marriage. He is the perfect example in every way and his standards should be our standards.

We must first begin by starting backwards and trying to undo the harm caused by our distorted views. So once we learn what he taught us about how to marry we can then extrapolate what he didn’t teach us.

Related: 10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

For example, he didn’t teach us to worry about:

• The shade or color of someone’s skin…
• Or whether one speaks Fus-ha or has a Khaleeji, Shammi, or Masri accent.
• Or whether one is Punjabi vs. Memon, or Kandahari vs. Kabuli…
• Or whether one has a Bachelor’s degree or a Master’s degree
• Or whether one is a car salesman’ or a doctor
• Or whether one has green eyes or brown eyes
• Or whether one is balding or has straight hair vs. curly
• Or whether one is 21, 31, or 41…
• Or whether one has been engaged before or married…

The bottom line is, that no matter how much importance we may give to these things based on our perception of what will make us happy, and it really is just a perception, we will never be happy.

There’s a video of a Professor of Psychology from Harvard, by the name of Dan Gilbert, called, “Why Are We Happy?” In the video he describes the human adaptation of being able to simulate experiences by just simply creating them in our mind. For example, he jokingly describes how Ben & Jerry’s doesn’t have “liver-and-onion” ice cream, not because they whipped some up and said yuck, but because you can simulate the flavor and imagine that it wouldn’t taste very good. This ability that we have, although very useful, comes with a glitch. It’s called the “impact bias” which he describes as, “the tendency for the simulator to work badly. For the simulator to make you believe that different outcomes are more different than in fact they really are.”

So, we do this right? We all simulate happiness and misery, especially when it comes to marriage. Some of us, before we got married or before our children grew up, we already ruled out certain groups of people as potential spouses. Based entirely on our PERCEPTION of what certain unions would be like or what type of a spouse a certain person would be, we discriminate. Without any experience at all and based entirely on our ideas, we presume to know what is good enough for our son or daughters. How many people have come to learn the hard way that none of these things matter? That none of our superficial or material preferences have any importance in determining happiness if we have not first and above all else considered the content of someone’s character.

After all, if education or financial status were among the most important criteria, what do you say about our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) who was unlettered and left this earth without even enough oil to light his lamp on his deathbed? Aisha (may God be pleased with her) had to borrow oil for the lamp as he lay passing! If he was unlettered, is a brother to be looked down upon simply because he did not pursue his graduate studies or did not complete his studies in order to pursue a trade or a skill or to study the sacred sciences?

Or if a sister was previously married, what do you say about some of the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him)? If they were good enough for the Best of Creation (peace be upon him) despite having been married before, who are you? Is such a sister not good enough for you? Do you have the right to caste her aside or dismiss her for your son, brother or grandson, because simply put she’s not a virgin?!

Are we not better than this? Are we not better than who we have become?

Every single day, there are sisters in our community who are suffering, by God they are suffering. I can’t tell you how many emails, phone calls, and meetings I have personally had over the years–stories that would break your heart–from sisters who are LONELY and wondering what defect they have because they cannot seem to get married! I deal with this almost on a weekly basis. And if you don’t believe me, go to any matrimonial gathering at any of these conferences, ISNA, RIS, the MCA, and see the disproportionate number of sisters to brothers. Please brothers and sisters, understand that this is a serious crisis in our community!

Many of these sisters have either been humiliated and marginalized or completely overlooked because they are either too dark, too short, too heavy, too old, married before or engaged, not educated enough or too educated, from a lower “class”, or a culture that is apparently too inferior. Nothing seems to be good enough anymore, so the question we must ask ourselves is: whose standards are we trying to meet?

I’ve also received emails from brothers who feel helpless because they want to marry a girl of their choice, but their parents disapprove of her because again, somehow she doesn’t seem to fit their skewed “criteria.” So what happens? Brothers are either conditioned early on to rule out sisters from certain groups as we mentioned before or they are cornered by guilt, threats, and ultimatums. In both cases they become part of the problem and the cycle continues.

Many of our youth feel helpless, but I have to speak today on behalf of the sisters, because from what I’ve observed they are the ones that are truly suffering. And believe me when I say that for many sisters, because of fear of being alone, their standards have drastically declined. Many of them have reached the end of the rope. I know several sisters who have considered and even married non-Muslims to avoid being alone because they feel the Muslim community has banished them completely when it comes to marriage.

Is this what we’ve come to? How can we stand by and let this happen?

So, dear brothers and sisters, I appeal to all of you and I remind myself first and foremost that we will be asked. In other words, our displays of racism, ageism, classism, whether they are outward or subtle, should not be taken lightly because Allah (swt) is a witness to everything.

Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage, and neither is material wealth, beauty, lineage, etc. Yes, you can marry for those reasons as the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him) permits us to but we shouldn’t expect that those things are enough to keep us happy. To truly heed his advice, we must look for sincerity of faith above everything else.

The person we should wish to marry or we should wish for our sons and daughters is the one who we are confident isn’t just there to enjoy the ride when the waters are calm but who will not abandon the ship when the storm clouds appear.

Let us learn from the example of the bond between the Mothers of the Believers (may God be pleased with them) and the Prophet (peace be upon him). Let us remember Khadija & Aisha (may God be pleased with them both) and all of his wives. Let us remember that every one of his marriages were purely for the sake of Allah (swt); He was at the center, He was the goal. This was the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him). May we follow in his mubarak footsteps and not be among those who stray and prefer our own path to his.

Related: 4 Tips on Finding “The One”

 “He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” – Arabian Proverb

Wikipedia defines scrupulosity as a psychological disorder “characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning”.

Religious practice and devotion are not necessarily the cause of scrupulosity.  Scrupulosity is considered a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  OCD can occur in different forms. There are a variety of different types of obsessions and compulsions. The nature of intensity of these symptoms may vary over time. In some cases, aggressive, sexual and religious obsessions can occur together in the same individual.

The obsessions in OCD are the recurrent thoughts or impulses that make an individual anxious (such as the fear of germs in public places making one sick). Despite an individual’s efforts to control and suppress the obsessive thoughts, the obsessions persist.  The thoughts often feel intrusive and disturbing despite the individual’s awareness of the thoughts being produced in their own mind. Obsessions can include fear of harming someone, becoming contaminated, and/or doing something embarrassing.

Compulsions, however, are repetitive behaviors or mental acts the person feels driven to perform.  These acts are often with ritualistic rigidity aimed to prevent the anxiety connected with the obsessions. These actions may include the urge to wash, count, check, or repeat phrases to oneself.

OCD appears to be a biologically based disorder with severe psychological consequences. According to the OCD foundation about 1 in 100 adults – or between 2 to 3 million adults in the United States have OCD.  The OCD foundation also estimates at least 1 in 200 – or 500,000 – kids and teens that have OCD in the United States.  OCD statistics is assumed that up to 2.5 percent of the world population is affected obsessive-compulsive disorder. Some compulsive symptoms are detected in approximately eight percent of population.

People suffering from OCD also end up suffering from depression, a lack of self-esteem and self confidence, very weak willpower, relationship problems, and social withdrawal.

How Scrupulosity differs from devout faith and practice 

According to the hadith “Abu Huraira (may God be pleased with him) reported the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The religion of Islam is easy, and whoever makes the religion a rigour, it will overpower him. So, follow a middle course (in worship); if you can’t do this, do something near to it and give glad tidings and seek help (of Allah) in the morning and at dusk and some part of the night” [al Bukhari].  Scrupulosity is when the individual is overpowered by their devotion and practice of their faith.  The scrupulous individual will focus excessively on a few specific rules and rituals while neglecting other aspects of the religion. It often involves mistakenly thinking that innocent or unavoidable things are sin and so feeling needlessly guilty.  When scrupulosity turns to obsessive thoughts, it can generate upsetting, uncontrollable blasphemous thoughts or images about God, or exalting the devil.

Just as some people with OCD feel compelled to keep checking locks or washing their hands, others might feel compelled to obsess over blasphemous thoughts that they hate or to keep doubting their salvation. Due to the doubting nature of scrupulosity, it has been also been called “pathological doubt”.  OCD sufferers will take a simple act of locking a door, switching off the oven, or seeking Allah’s forgiveness, and then worry abnormally over whether they did it correctly. They feel driven to keep seeking assurance far beyond what is rational.

Scrupulosity is considered a hidden disease due to the fact that it can fill people with such false guilt that many are unlikely to admit to it, while others have no idea that they have an unhealthy sense of guilt and so suppose there is nothing wrong with them.

In Islam, such unwanted thoughts are called wasawis (plural of waswasah), which are whispered into the minds and hearts of people by Shaitan (Satan). These wasawis play a significant role in many mental disorders that involve anxiety and cognitive distortions.  Although wasawis can affect individuals regardless of age, sex, faith, or creed, the nature, content, severity, and influence of these thoughts varies in individuals.  For some, they only cause mild anxiety and worry, while others are more severely affected to the point of becoming spiritually, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and socially paralyzed. Recurring thoughts about catching germs, being unclean, and questioning one’s faith appear to be the most common form of OCD amongst Muslim men and women but those suffering from scrupulosity, the unwanted thoughts tend to be more debilitating.

In the process of wasawis, Shaitan doesn’t care about the thoughts and doubts he sets buzzing around in our heads. Shaitan knows we will not be judged for the thoughts he has implanted in our heads because they are his thoughts, not ours. It is an impossible task to stop unwanted thoughts from coming in our minds.  While we are busy battling unwanted thoughts from our mind, Shaitan accomplishes his goal of distracting us from the essential teachings of Islam.  The goal of every Muslim should be to strengthen our faith and connection to Allah and not waste time avoiding certain thoughts or feelings.

Shaitan will try and distract us from his real schemes and instead focuses our attention on past sins instead of present forgiveness. Shaitan will also try and trick us into becoming so preoccupied with needlessly worrying about dishonoring God with words that we do not even mean, that we don’t notice that we are dishonoring God by not believing the extent of His love and forgiveness, even towards those of us who feel certain we are the worst sinners ever to walk this planet.  No matter how terrible the words or images that invade our mind are, we are not “sinning”.  Shaitan will also try and entice us to fear Quranic verses that apply only to people who until their dying day stubbornly refuse to repent from their deliberate sin/backsliding and refuse to seek forgiveness. Shaitan’s hope is that we become so alarmed by the few words in the verses that do not apply to us that we lose sight of the enormous number of joyous verses that do apply – those promising salvation to everyone who repents and believes in Allah and His messenger.  Shaitan’s dirty trick is to put despicable thoughts in our mind and then blame us or Allah for it.  Allah isn’t fooled into blaming us for Shaitan’s trickery and we shouldn’t be fooled either.  Just like we can’t stop Shaitan from being Shaitan, we can’t stop thoughts of temptation from popping into our thoughts.  All we can do is stop ourselves from being deceived by the thoughts.

All in all, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder. It is fear/anxiety that keeps us hounded by doubts, guilt feelings or unwanted thoughts that keep repeating in our minds. It is the very nature of deceiving spirits to foster and exploit fear for their evil purposes, and their highest goal is to fool us into losing faith in our religion.

Treatment of Scrupulosity

Like other forms of OCD, scrupulosity responds to medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). About 60%–80% of patients show some degree of response to treatment. The neurotransmitter serotonin appears to be involved in the pathology of OCD.  Medications that boost the level of serotonin in the brain such as SSRI’s (e.g. clomipramine, fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine, fluvoxamine, and citalopram) are the most effective in treating OCD.

Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT), specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) has been successfully used for the treatment of OCD. ERP focuses on the fact that compulsions provide only a temporary reduction of the anxiety produced by obsessions. The only way to experience more permanent relief is to habituate (get used to) the anxiety caused by the obsession, without performing the compulsion. The key factor of ERP is habituation. While this type of therapy typically causes some short-term anxiety, this facilitates long-term reduction in obsessive and compulsive symptoms. Facing the negative, unwanted thoughts will create anxiety.  It is highly unpleasant, but they must disregard their fears in order to benefit from treatment.  Facing their anxiety is an unavoidably unpleasant experience, but they must continually force themselves to stay close to God, even though their fears of rejection and divine displeasure are immense.  As the person with scrupulosity begins to face his/her fears, he/she may experience a temporary increase in anxiety but with continued support and medication, the anxiety will decrease and symptoms will improve

When overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts:

• Keep in mind, first and foremost, Allah (swt) has prescribed a balanced approach to Islam and reassured us His mercy and forgiveness are ever so near.  So if fear, anxiety, or condemnation comes upon us, it is not from God. It is simply a dirty trick of Shaitan trying to get us to take our eyes off the infinite saving power of Allah (swt).
• When unwanted thoughts or fears hit, do your best not to let the attack distress you. Let it wash over you, keeping as calm and unconcerned as you can. The thoughts or images won’t hurt you, and God does not accuse you. Allah (swt) knows best, even better than you do, that these thoughts are not yours. Temptation usually takes the form of thoughts being satanically placed on our minds, and temptation is not sin.
• When you reach the point where you don’t react to the unwanted thoughts of doubt, oppressive guilt feelings, and spiritually repulsive thoughts, the attacks themselves will lessen.  Psychological fact:  Anxiety is a driving force behind Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so if you are not anxious about the thoughts, you’ll notice a significant reduction in the attacks.  Spiritual fact: When Shaitan is thoroughly convinced that he can no longer use such things as unwanted thoughts to annoy you, or undermine your faith, he will eventually begin to tire of that approach and only try it now and again, just to check that you have not reverted to being concerned by such attacks.
• We give pleasure and power to Shaitan when we fall into his trap of supposing that his plan is to get us to think or feel wrong things. Shaitan’s main goal is to get us distracted so he can ambush us.
• Shaitan’s evil scheme is not to entice us to think or feel anti-God things but to fool us into denying the saving power of Allah (swt) by us forgetting Allah’s power to continually forgive every person who repents and puts faith in him.

Daily Exercises:

• When unwanted thoughts creep in your mind, catch them and write them down.  Right below the thought, challenge the thought by asking if that is a true thought.  Is it 100% true about you?  Below that write down,
  “it’s just a thought”.
• Practice daily affirmations such as “I’m doing the best that I can”, “My thoughts are just thoughts and only have power over me if I give them power and I choose not to empower these unwanted thoughts”, “I put my trust and faith in Allah’s mercy and forgiveness”.  The affirmations might not feel true for you but repeating them daily will help you replace the negative thoughts with the positive affirmations, thereby lessening the power of the negative unwanted thoughts.
• Practice deep breathing exercises and repeat to yourself “I am safe and with Allah’s blessings, Shaitan can’t hurt me”.
• Actively get involved in a deeply engrossing activity that you enjoy such as exercising (yoga, running, biking, etc.) or playing a board game where you are not focused on the negative thoughts.
• Force yourself to smile.  This simple act will automatically make you feel happier and relax.  Your mind is incapable of having a good and bad thought at the same time.  When you smile, you force your mind to focus on the positive rather than the negative.
• Work with a mental health professional to address the symptoms of scrupulosity.  Past traumas (like sexual/physical abuse) and unsavory conduct and lifestyles of the past that may be responsible for severe guilt leading to OCD, must be dealt with in therapy with a trained mental health professional.

Overall, relaxation, daily practice, education, medication, and cognitive behavior therapy can be combined to treat OCD and Scrupulosity.

Coordination Between Islamic Leaders and Mental Health Professionals

It is often useful for mental health practioners and religious leaders to work together in raising awareness and educating the community about Scrupulosity. The religious leader can help the community members distinguish legitimate concerns about faith and guilt from stereotyped religious obsessions. If an individual is compulsively repeating a ritual until it is perfect, the Imams may need to give individuals special permission to perform a ritual in a less than perfect manner. This can lead to freedom from excessive guilt and stereotyped religious obsessions. Ultimately, the individual is freed to experience a richer life in his or her family and faith community.

For Muslims there is no better example or precedent of an ideal husband than the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He was the most loving, kind, humble, merciful, compassionate, loyal, trust-worthy, and generous husband to ever have existed; indeed his example in every facet of life is perfect and the list of his attributes are far too many to enumerate, may the peace and blessings of God be upon him. For this reason, he is the standard every Muslim woman should use when looking for a spouse. For Muslim men, the standards of what to look for in an ideal wife are found in the prophetic tradition: “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.”

9.) Internet Pornography: Destroying Us From Within

“The expense of spirit in a waste of shame is lust in action” – Shakespeare

• There are approximately 4.2 million pornographic websites (roughly 12 %) on the internet today
• Every second 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography.
• 47% percent of families have said that pornography is a problem in their home.
• In 2003, inappropriate conduct on the Internet, mainly pornography, was a significant factor in 2 out of 3 divorces.

8.) A Mother’s Reflection of Grief & Loss in Islam

“Whoever finds love beneath hurt and grief disappears into emptiness with a thousand new disguises.” Rumi

In 1999 I embraced Islam. The journey to Islam was long and experiential. I became involved with Westernized Sufism prior to Islam for many years, studying various methods to work on myself and dabbling in teachings that seemed to “fit” my lifestyle. Embracing Islam in 1999 came as a great blessing from Allah: Those whom Allah wants to guide He opens their breast to Islam, (Quran 6:125). I didn’t know it at the time, but my conversion prepared me for the incredible hardship that lied ahead for me: the losses of my two sons in 2002 and 2006. Ironically enough, they both died from “accidental deaths”. They were very close in age and the losses for me were profound tests of patience and forbearance in a time of extreme grief and questions of “why” did this have to happen?

7.) Finding the Right Match for You

When it comes to selecting a partner for marriage the first and most obvious step is to know what you want. Unfortunately, most people today don’t really know what that is.  That’s not to say they don’t have an ideal, because let’s face it, most of us do.  We live in a society that thrives on idealizing romance and courtship.  We all want to receive that letter from our secret admirer (who just also happens to be perfect in every way-ha!) professing their undying love to us; or hear that pebble hit our bedroom window late at night to find the love of our life standing there ready to serenade us; or to take a walk hand in hand along the beach with our beloved and eventually ride away in the sunset together. For years we’ve seen these exact scenes played out countless times on our favorite television programs or movies, so it makes sense that that is what we expect or think of when hear the words ‘love’ or ‘romance’.

6.) Will Your Friendship Last?

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” – Aristotle

From the early days of pre-school and kindergarten through the final days of college and into our working years, we form friendships that are based on mutual interests, trust, loyalty, and of course fun.  Some of those friendships come and go, some fade away completely and some evolve and are strengthened with time and life experience. The test of a truly solid friendship is one that we are certain will be there until the very end, the type that abounds with unconditional love and loyalty that we often only read about but rarely experience, unless of course, we’re among the blessed.

5.) 6 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who Is Divorced

Divorce is never easy.

But it’s the reality for 50% of American couples and 31% of American Muslim couples.  With these statistics, you’re likely to have friends or know people in your community who have been divorced or are currently experiencing a divorce.

4.) Handling a Breakup with Dignity

“Once you divorce women, and they have reached the end of their waiting period, then either retain them in all decency or part from them decently. Do not retain them just to act mean with them; anyone who does that merely hurts himself” (Quran 2:231).

The “Highs” & Lows of Love

“Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.” – Lao Tzu

Falling in love can make you feel as if you are high on cloud nine.  You see the world in a totally different way which in turn impacts how you act and appear physically.  A relationship break-up can be equally emotional regardless of the time spent with the loved one. Just as falling in love can stimulate the same region of the brain that is connected to cocaine and nicotine addiction, so can the break-up. A break-up can be similar to going through withdrawal from cocaine and nicotine just as falling in love can be similar to getting high on cocaine and nicotine.  The reason a break-up can be so painful for us not only mentally but physically is because our brains are wired for bonding.

3.) 25 Signs Your Relationship is in Serious Trouble, Part I

In no particular order of precedence, the following list includes observations I have made in over ten years of helping couples with their relationships. Please take each item on the list with deep consideration and thought and do not jump to conclusions on the sole basis of what you read below; no one knows your relationship better than you.

2.) The Truth About Domestic Violence

“If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night.” – Mark Green

The amount of abuse that happens in Muslim households today has increased dramatically. It is an unfortunate reality that has been hidden and ignored for far too long in our community. There is no excuse for this or any type of abuse in Islam, yet we continue to see women coming into counseling who are petrified to go back to their homes. If there are children, they almost always know about the abuse and have often witnessed it. Not only has it destroyed Muslim families but it has also weakened the Muslim community. In 2000, the North American Council for Muslim Women reported that approximately 10 % of Muslim women were emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by their husbands. Islam came to liberate the woman, not confine her to one space and take away her rights and dignity. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “I recommend that you treat women with goodness. The best of you are those who treat their wives the best.”

1.) 10 Ways To Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.  The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.  One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.  A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are.  The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.  The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent.

By Amal Killawi and Zarinah Nadir

Divorce is never easy.

But it’s the reality for 50% of American couples and 31% of American Muslim couples.  With these statistics, you’re likely to have friends or know people in your community who have been divorced or are currently experiencing a divorce.

Divorce is often a time of monumental hardship and change. Many people do not know how to convey their sentiments when learning about a divorce. Comments are usually well-intentioned, but can be grossly misplaced. In honor of our brothers and sisters who have experienced marriage dissolution or are currently in the process, we present a list of the top 6 things not to say to divorcees.  These statements are based on real-life experiences shared with us.

1. “Are you sure?”

Unless this question is posed by close family and friends or persons involved in the mediation process, it is highly inappropriate, offensive, and intrusive.  If people were unsure of their decision, they would not have shared the news with others.  Additionally, for some people, divorce may not have been their choice or decision to make.  People are likely to be under a great deal of emotional stress, and asking them about the uncertainty of their decision is disrespectful of their journey before separation.

2. “How long were you married?”  And upon finding out it was a relatively short period – “Oh, well, at least it was short.”

Marriage duration is not an accurate indicator of the value of the relationship, the length of the healing process, or the legitimacy of the marital experience. Whether the marriage lasted for 5 months or 5 years, it is important to acknowledge the significance of this loss.  The end of a marriage often also symbolizes the end of the dreams, aspirations, and life plans of the couple. Additionally, it is important to realize that regardless of the duration, some people may have suffered through distressing trials in their marriage.  The last few months could have been a living nightmare.

3. “I saw it coming all along.”

Since when has “I told you so” ever been a sensitive comment?  Unfortunately, some people use these opportunities to reveal their intuitiveness about a person’s marital problems.  Although they may consider it to be a statement of reassurance – that one should not be upset because the relationship seemed destined for divorce anyways – it is just plain rude and insensitive.

4. “Who filed for divorce? Did you go to court?  What did you get? Who has custody?”

For Muslims in the United States, divorce is often both a civil and religious process.  These processes can be lengthy and draining emotionally and financially.  Practice caution when asking questions about the divorce process.  Take the lead from the divorcee before entering into a conversation. If the person doesn’t share, don’t probe.  These are personal questions and may still be contentious.

5. “But you were such a perfect couple!”

Or any variation of this such as, “But he is such a nice brother!” or “She’s such a religious sister masha’Allah!”  There’s no such thing as a perfect couple or a perfect person.  It is important to remember that people’s public personas can be very different behind closed doors.  No matter how well we think we know others, there is nothing comparable to living with another person in a marital relationship.  Statements that pass judgment should be avoided because the reality is we do not know.

6. “May you get remarried soon!”

Not everyone who has experienced a divorce appreciates a du`a’ (prayer) for a speedy remarriage.  While prayers are important for a person going through hardship, keep in mind that certain prayers expressed during this time may not always be appropriate.  Some people do not wish to re-marry for some time.  Additionally, some divorces are as a result of traumatic experiences such as domestic abuse or infidelity, and divorcees may very well be fearful of re-experiencing this trauma in a future marriage.  It’s better to focus your du`a’ on helping them to adjust and move on, instead of praying for another marriage!

So then, what is appropriate etiquette?

• Follow their lead.  Recognize that some people may want to talk, while others do not. Respect their preference.
• Express empathy. Say, “I’m sorry about your divorce. How are you doing?”
• Offer support and encouragement. Simply saying, “Please know that I’m here if you need anything” can go a long way.
• Stay silent. If you don’t know what to say, silence is golden and acceptable.
• Be sensitive to their needs. Make them feel included despite their change in marital status.
• Honor their journey. Grief is generally a part of the healing process as people learn to adjust to life after separation.

Remember, you may encounter someone at any stage in that process. By practicing sincerity and utilizing common courtesy, we can be more mindful in our interactions with people undergoing a time of reflection and change.

Reposted with permission from the authors and originally posted on  http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/spouse/6-things-not-to-say-to-someone-who-is-divorced/

September 11, 2011 changed not only the world we live in but had a major impact on the mental health of individuals around the world.  Some of the individuals most impacted by the events of 9/11 were the Muslims in the United States and abroad.  Based on research conducted post 9/11 by multiple individuals, Muslims and Arabs have suffered tremendously.  For Muslims and Arabs living in the United States, the impact was two-fold.  Not only were they mourning the loss of thousands of fellow countrymen and women who lost their lives on 9/11, but they were simultaneously dealing with discrimination, hate crimes, stigmatization, isolation, and fear for their own well being in a country they called home.

Dr. Mona Amer, a psychologist, conducted research about the mental health of Muslims and Arab Americans in 2006 but ironically ended up as a target of hate and discrimination after her research was reported in USA Today.  In an article by American Psychological Association’s Monitor on Psychology, Rebecca Clay reports in her article “Muslims in America, post 9/11”, Dr. Amer received death threats from strangers.  The negative attitude towards Muslims has not decreased since the 2006 study by Dr. Amer.  Since 9/11, political candidates and TV pundits have contributed to the hostile attitude towards Muslims in the United States.  The past 6 months alone Muslims have made front page news due to stories about Quran burnings, The Ground Zero Islamic Center, and anti-Muslim congressional hearings on Capitol Hill.  Ms. Clay reports “according to the Pew Research Center, the number of Americans with favorable views of Islam dropped from 41 percent in 2005 to 30 percent in 2010.  Ten years after 9/11, the positive attitude towards Muslims in the United States has declined rather than improved.  Muslims receive constant negative messages through the media about their religion and culture.  Dr. Amer states “there are things that are said in the media about Arabs and Muslims that would never be tolerated or said about any other group…you receive constant messages about how your community is full of terrorists, ignorant people, oppressive people” (APA monitor, 2011).

The constant Islamaphobic rhetoric is having a negative impact on the mental health of Muslims in the United States.  Dr. Amer, who has the largest group of participants from the most demographically diverse Arab-American population, has found many Muslims and Arabs suffer from anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  Although the majority of the participants were Muslims, we must note not all Arabs are Muslim, yet many suffered the back-lash due to being Arab.  In the study which will soon be published in the Social Psychiatric Epidemiology, Dr. Amer, along with Dr. Hovey of the University of Toledo, found 50 percent of the study participants had depression that warranted further evaluation and 25 percent reported moderate to severe anxiety.  Ongoing racial profiling, discrimination (verbal assaults and work place discrimination), and other stressors unique to Arabs is reportedly the cause.  According to Kaplan (2006), violent acts against Arabs and those perceived to be Arabs rose sharply over the 9 weeks following 9/11.   Although the majority of participants in the study reported feeling safe to extremely safe pre 9/11, more than 82 percent reported feeling unsafe to extremely unsafe post 9/11.  Dr. Amer and Dr. Hovey note feeling unsafe is a predictor of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

According to Padela and Heisler (2009) there are roughly 5.4 million Muslims in the United States, made up of African Americans, South Asians, and Arabs; additionally, there are approximately 2.5 million non-Muslim Arabs residing in the U.S.  There is a large portion of the Muslims in the United States who are immigrants, many from war torn countries such as Palestine, Iraq, & Afghanistan.  There are many stressors and trauma inherent to immigration, such as loss of home and land, acclimating to a new culture and environment, and dealing with cultural and linguistic barriers.  Many immigrants from war torn countries have also suffered trauma as a result of their experiences back home.  For these Muslim immigrants, the added stressors related to post 9/11 exacerbate their symptoms.

For many Muslims, turning to religion, as opposed to mental health practioners, is the first line of defense.  Many individuals tend to intensify their religious practice by additional fasting, reading the Quran, praying, and regular mosque attendance.  Abu-Raiya et al (2011) surveyed 130 Muslims living in the United States and found most experienced at least one stressful event related to their Muslim identity such as anti-Muslim comments, special airport security checks, and discrimination.  In the study, Abu-Raiya reports participants used both religious and non-religious coping strategies to best handle these stressful situations.  Abu-Raiya identifies the non-religious coping strategies as reaching out to others (either Muslim or non-Muslim).  Reaching out to others resulted in positive changes such as personal strength and better appreciation of life.  Those individuals who isolated themselves from others experienced increased depression and anger.  Abu-Raiya identifies positive and negative religious coping strategies in his study.  Positive religious coping involved feeling the love of Allah and praying for consolation.  It also involved reading the Quran and seeking support from members of the Mosque.  Negative religious coping strategies included feeling Allah was punishing them for their bad actions or lack of religious devotion and practice.  Abu-Raiya found the positive religious coping was associated with greater “post traumatic growth” and the negative religious coping was associated with higher levels of depression.  Individuals should focus on the positive religious coping strategies and avoid the negative religious coping strategies.

For many Muslims, seeking out mental health professionals is a challenge due to the lack of Muslim mental health practioners in their community, and having to work with non-Muslim mental health practioners.  Muslims should seek out mental health support if they are dealing with depression and/or anxiety.  Dr. Amer, who is also the co-editor of “Counseling Muslims: Handbook of Mental Health Issues and Interventions” (Routledge), reports many non-Muslim mental health practioners “don’t necessarily get into the specifics of what can or should be done differently when serving a Muslim client”.  Dr. Amer suggests mental health professionals should address ethnic background, history, and immigration status when working with Muslims and don’t assume all Muslims are the same.  Also consider the fact that Muslim Americans can include African-American, Latino, and Caucasian converts, members of long settled Arab communities, and immigrants from diverse backgrounds such as China, India, Pakistan, Africa, etc.  Dr. Amer encourages non-Muslim therapists to bring religion in therapy.  Therapists should encourage a religious dialogue with their Muslim clients and make an attempt to better understand the specific needs of their clients.

If you are Muslim and have reason to believe your mental health is suffering from any of the symptoms we’ve described above it is critical that you seek treatment as soon as possible before your symptoms worsen. For information or help finding a therapist in your area please email us at info@mentalhealth4muslims.com.

In the meantime you can also benefit from reading the Seerah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and reflecting on all of the traumatic events he and the earlier generation of Muslims experienced. There are also specific verses from the Qur’an and hadith that can provide relief in time of difficulty such as:

” Certainly, We shall test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to the patient – those who, when afflicted with calamity say, “Truly to Allah we belong, and truly to Him shall we return.” It is those who will be awarded blessings and mercy from their Lord; and it is those who are the guided ones.” (Qur’an 2 :155-157)

“..Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him before you. Get to know Allah in prosperity and He will know you in adversity. Know that what has passed you by was not going to befall you; and that what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship.” (Tirmidhi)