“We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

Parenting is a difficult job, and one in which we all make mistakes at times. Communicating effectively with our children takes time and energy. We need to become aware of our own feelings and automatic reactions, and slow down enough to be able to choose a more mindful way. Following through with consequences teaches kids limits, while listening and granting autonomy teach kids respect. Kids who have respectful, engaged, consistent parents learn to regulate their own emotions more effectively, feel better about themselves, and are able to have more loving relationships as adults.  Despite our good intentions, we tend to make mistakes that actually lead to bad behavior with our children.  Becoming aware of how we are contributing to the negative behaviors our children are exhibiting can help us steer back in the right direction, leading to a happier and healthier interaction for the entire family.  Keep in mind good parents are not born but taught.  If you lack any of the skills below, you can learn new effective skills and begin incorporating the skills into your parenting repertoire.

1.)Talking too much:

When parents talk too much, children learn to tune them out.  That’s because the human mind is not capable of storing more than 4 chunks of information in the short term memory at one time.  Instead of elaborately explaining your reasoning, it’s important to limit yourself to 2 sentences which makes it easier for children to process the information.

2.)Not following through on consequences:

When you nag or give multiple warnings, you are essentially teaching your child to ignore you because they know you will continue with more warnings.  Instead briefly and clearly instruct your child of your expectations “We will be leaving the house in 10 minutes” and provide the consequence for not complying “if you are not dressed, you will leave in your pajamas”.  It’s very important that you follow through and not give in to whining and negotiations for more time.  This allows you to remain calm but also allows your children to learn natural consequences for their behavior.

3.) Using shame or guilt to get compliance from your children:

The empathic part of a child’s brain takes time to develop and they may not seem aware of your feelings or your needs.  It’s important to take care of your self and take time to connect with your emotions by doing deep breathing work before allowing your emotions to derail your communication with your children. Instead of using guilt such as “Can’t you help me keep this house clean for once.  Can’t you see how tired I am?“, communicate your needs and expectations without anger and blame by saying “I would like you to help me keep this house orderly so we can benefit from a clean house.  It upsets me to come home and have your toys all over the house.  Since you didn’t pick up your toys tonight, you will not be able to play with them until you tidy up your room tomorrow“.  You will not only apply a clear and non-punitive consequence, but you also allow for another opportunity for your child to try again tomorrow and succeed.

4.) Not listening to your children: 

When we model respectful and caring behavior in our interactions with our children, they in turn learn to be more respectful towards others and learn effective communication skills.  Attentive listening is the most difficult thing for busy parents.  When you are distracted and cannot give your child undivided attention, it’s better to say “It’s difficult for me to listen to you now because I’m busy cooking, but I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”  It’s important to follow through and talk to your child after 10 minutes because it’s difficult for children to wait too long for your attention.  It’s better to set aside a clear time for communication than to listen half-heartedly or resentfully.

5.) Giving in to your child’s angry outbursts and demands:

Your child will yell, kick, and scream until you give in to his demands and you might feel it’s easier to keep him quiet than stick to your rules, but the minute you’ve given into the demands, you’ve essentially communicated to your child that the next time he wants something, all he/she has to do is yell, kick, scream, plead until he has worn you out.  Such behaviors, if not corrected immediately, become second nature.  If these behavior are dealt with incorrectly, the child could end up using temper tantrums to manipulate the people surrounding them. Handling a child’s temper tantrum effectively will require a lot of patience and understanding.  In order to handle a temper tantrum appropriately, you must remain calm and take a deep breath while composing yourself before deciding how to respond.   You do not have to give into your child’s tantrum.  If your child is safe and nothing is wrong with them, you can ignore your child’s behavior.  Children must learn that yelling and wailing will not give them what they want.   By being consistent and helping your children learn more appropriate ways of getting their needs met will not only support your children developmentally but also strengthen your relationship with your children.

6.) Not Delaying Gratification:

Children, if left to decide, will want everything RIGHT NOW.  Everything in our modern world is about instant gratification.  Children, as well as adults, have a difficult time waiting for what they want because often times they don’t have to.  Children who learn to delay gratification at a young age will learn to become financially responsible adults.  Children will learn to be more grateful as opposed to feeling entitled.  When children work for what they want, and have to wait to get it, they will learn to appreciate it more.  Many parents overwhelm their children with toys and presents, to the point where the child has nothing to work for.  Children who are used to getting whatever they want, when they want it, tend to have less appreciation for what they get.  The joy lasts hours to days and they move onto the next “must have” item.  Some of the best ways to teach children delayed gratification is to encourage them to work for what they want by doing extra chores to earn an allowance and then using that money to buy the desired item. Also teach your children to wait to buy what they want and encourage them to be patient. The anticipation will help them appreciate the end result so much more.  Encourage your children to wait before making major decisions.  Delaying gratification will ultimately teach children self-discipline.  Children with self-discipline are generally happier, and grow up to be more satisfied and productive adults.

7.) Inconsistency with rules: 

Consistency means that rules and expectations are the same from one time to another. Consistency makes the child’s world predictable and less confusing. It frees their minds of worry about what might happen and teaches them accountability for their actions.  Consistency with rules reduces anxiety for children and increases their sense of security.  They know exactly what will happen when X happens.  Consistency teaches responsibility and accountability for the children, skills that will be helpful when they are adults.  In the absence of consistency, children are left to guess what is appropriate behavior.  Inconsistent parenting also creates confusion, low self esteem, increase in temper tantrums, arguing, and bargaining as children get older. With consistency, children learn that “no” means “no”.  It’s important that all adults caring for the child enforce the same rules in a consistent manner.  Children will learn to manipulate one adult against another if they know rules are enforced inconsistently.  Also be clear about the rule and consequences you want your child to follow and be prepared to follow it every single time.  Being consistent takes patience and determination but the results of secure, responsible, and confident children are worth it.

8.) Not being reliable:

Being a reliable person in society is a valued characteristic trait. The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, “There are three signs of a hypocrite: whenever he speaks, he lies; whenever he makes a promise, he breaks it; and whenever he is trusted, he betrays his trust.” Just as in business and society at large, children value reliability in their lives as well.  A parent who follows through on their promises is considered reliable and trustworthy.  When parents are reliable and trustworthy, the children learn they can rely on their parents and trust that their needs will be met. This helps strengthen the bonding process and ensures a strong connection with your child.

9.) Frequently lying to children:

It’s important to not make lying to children a habit.  It’s highly recommended to start being honest and truthful with babies as young as 6 months old.  When you leave for work, don’t sneak off and pretend you are going to the bedroom and then disappear for hours in order to avoid meltdown’s from your child.  Properly saying goodbye to your child and letting him/her know exactly where you will be going and when you will be back will increase their sense of security, reduce their separation anxiety, and in turn establish your reliability and trustworthiness for them.  Of course as parents, there are times we must protect our children from certain information.  You can do so without lying to them.  Setting up a precedence for honesty and truth telling will teach children to value honesty as they get older.

10.) Justifying children’s inappropriate behaviors:

It’s easy to make excuses for your child’s inappropriate behavior (e.g. tired, hungry, sick, ADHD, Autism, etc.).  Although being tired, hungry, and sick does increase irritability in children and increases negative behaviors, making excuses in front of your child about those possibilities gives the child a sense of permissibility for bad behavior under certain circumstances.  Bad behavior is not part of the package even with children diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.  Although children with a chemical imbalance or a mental illness can be more impulsive or irritable than other children, what they do with the impulsivity and irritability is learned.  As with other instances, the negative behaviors associated with children diagnosed with ADHD or Autism are learned behaviors and therefore can be UNlearned.  Children should be held accountable for inappropriate behavior regardless of whether they are tired, hungry, or sick.  You can acknowledge they might be hungry or in need of sleep and teach them how they should act instead when being hungry or sleepy for example.  Just as it’s never acceptable for an adult to use the excuse of being hungry or sleepy for misbehaving, we must hold our children accountable as well.  Bottom line, keep your expectations for appropriate behavior consistent across all settings.

11.) Inappropriate consequences for the inappropriate behavior:  Too extreme or too lenient

A consequence differs from punishment and generally follows naturally from a child’s action, inaction or poor choices and decision.  When giving a child a consequence, it’s important to make it flow naturally from the child’s choice or action.  Make sure the consequence fits the behavior.  Being too harsh or too lenient with the consequence doesn’t allow for teaching appropriate behavior for the child.  A consequence that is task oriented as opposed to time oriented (time out, being grounded) is a more effective strategy in changing behaviors.  Time oriented consequences teach children to “do their time”.  Just as “doing time” in prison without rehabilitation doesn’t work for criminals, doing time in a time out doesn’t teach children how to change their behavior.   A task-oriented consequence however  is related to the negative behavior and allows for teaching alternative and acceptable behavior.  If your child wrote all over the dining room hall, sitting in time out will not teach him/her to not do that again.  What will help them is cleaning the wall, and paint if necessary.  The best consequences are those from which the child learns something. If your child is being disrespectful to his teacher at school, a good consequence is asking him to write letter of apology as well as losing privileges such as TV or electronics until after he has apologized.  In the letter, he has to explain what he’ll do differently the next time he’s upset with the teacher. Writing the letter of apology is a learning experience for him that wins back privileges. By getting a task oriented consequence, your child is not just “doing time”, but he’s completing an act that teaches him something.

12.) Too much love and not enough discipline:  The Permissive Parent

When it comes to parenting, there must be a balance of love and discipline.  When there is too much love and not enough discipline, the importance of appropriate behavior is minimized.  Despite the fact that permissive parents express a lot of love, the lack of boundaries leaves their children with a high level of insecurity. The children feel loved, but they are never sure of their limits. The permissive parents are generally fearful, afraid of making mistakes, and/or  damaging their chil­dren’s psyche, so they never set firm boundaries. This results in children feeling very loved but very unsure of themselves at the same time. Permissive parents tend to produce children with very low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority.

13.) Too much discipline and not enough love:  The Authoritarian Parent

Just as too much love can have a negative impact on a child’s development, too much discipline can also have negative consequences.  The authoritarian parent doesn’t express love and affection well but is very high on discipline. They raise children who gravitate towards rebellion. The bar is always high and the “musts” are always abundant, so there’s a strong sense of safety. But this kind of parent isn’t content just to win the war; they have to win every battle too. Communication between parent and child takes the form of arguing and fighting, espe­cially when the child is old enough to fight back. Authoritarian parents pressure their children until their children can’t wait to leave home.

The perfect balance of love and discipline is demonstrated by the Authoritative parent.  Authoritative parents are not an overbearing authoritarian, but a compassionate yet firm authority. They have clear boundaries but are also very loving. Everyone knows who the boss is, but there’s also a connection between parents and child, a consideration that respects and honors who the child is while not compromising his or her disciplinary needs. The result is a child high in self-esteem and equipped with good coping skills.

14.)  Not Praising the Positive Behaviors:  Catch Them Being Good! 

Children love to be acknowledge and appreciated for what they are doing right.  When we focus too much on all they are doing wrong or overly correcting them, we fail to recognize and encourage the positive traits of our children.  When you see your child picking up after himself or helping her sister, say something!  Acknowledge the positive behavior you observed and let them know you appreciate it.  The more you appreciate a behavior, the more of that behavior you will see.  Children ultimately want to please their parents and it makes them fill up with joy when they are validated and appreciated.  You can give them random “caught you being good” coupons by specifically listing what you observed.  You will learn how effective this tool is when you witness more positive behavior from your children.

15.) Not having fun with the children: 

Although discipline and behavior management are a big part of parenting, playing and having fun with your children should be just as important. Parents can become so busy with running the house, working, and taking care of the children, they forget how important it is to simply get silly and play with your children. By play, you don’t necessarily have to spend hours playing barbies or playing with cars (unless you want to).  Play can be acting silly together, getting up and dancing with your child, putting on funny costumes and acting out a scene, or pillow fighting.  Even cleaning the house can become play time if managed correctly.  Put on some music and get the whole family involved in cleaning as you dance and sing along together.  You can then reward yourselves with a treat or prize afterwards.  Playing with your children and having fun with them strengthens your connection and bond as a family.  Children are more likely to be compliant when they have a strong bond and connection to their parents.  Children also crave such connections with their parents and strive as individuals during these relaxed and fun interactions. Playing with your children also helps you relax and actually enjoy your children.  Cherish and enjoy this time you spend with your children because before you know it, they’ll be young adults and won’t want to play with you!  Hug and kiss your children often and make them feel loved.  This will not only strengthen your connection with your children but will strengthen their bond to you.

There are a lot of single Muslims trying to navigate their way through the marriage process. It’s not always easy to know what’s permissible, what isn’t, what works and what doesn’t. The list below is a helpful guide for anyone who is thinking about marriage and wants to prepare in advance. It’ll help prepare you for what to expect, what to do and what not do to before you begin your quest for “Mr or Ms. Right” and once you start meeting potential prospects, inshAllah!

1) DON’T forget to make Istikhara.

There’s an old Arab proverb that says, “Man proposes, God disposes.” Before actively working on oneself and pursuing marriage through worldly means, one has to turn to Allah (swt) and make the intention for marriage. Next, one should make the Duah of Istikhara and put their trust in Allah’s divine decree, especially when considering a
particular candidate. Istikhara is a prescribed prayer with specific guidelines that should be properly understood. There is also a lot of confusion about how one “interprets” their Istikhara. Here is a good article from SeekersGuidance that helps clarify everything one needs to know about it:

The reality of Istikhara

2) DO have a “checklist.”

It’s important to know what you’re looking for in a partner and to take the extra time to put your thoughts down. Not only does the list give you tangible things to focus on, but it can also reveal whether or not you have your priorities down. If you notice, for example, that most of your “requirements” are superficial in nature then you may scale back some things and put focus on more important matters like character, family values, and future goals. Additionally, a written checklist can also help your friends and family who are actively on the look-out for you to better screen potential candidates.

3) DON’T dismiss someone if they don’t meet all of your requirements.

Sometimes we think we know what we want but it may take meeting someone we wouldn’t normally consider to open our eyes to other possibilities. When thinking of marriage, you should really give each and every potential candidate a chance to make an impression on you and whatever the outcome make it a learning experience instead of a wasted one.

4) DO consider “halal-dating.”

Social media, technology, and living in pluralistic as well as gender-integrated societies have completely changed the way modern Muslims are marrying. It’s also impacted the Muslim divorce rate, which has consistently been on the rise for the past 20 years. These realities are undeniable and in order to prevent further problems, as a community we need to redefine the courtship process without compromising the guidelines of our faith. A great article that helps explain the parameters for ”halal-dating” can be found here:

Lets talk about dating

5) DON’T rush into marriage.

Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with having an engagement period in Islam. The length of time it takes to get from the initial meeting to the nikah process is entirely up to the couple and their families. Sometimes, however, because of cultural misinterpretations or misunderstandings people are made to feel guilty for not marrying “quickly” and they end up foregoing the very important process of truly getting to know someone. Marriage is supposed to be a life-long union, so make sure you have enough time to thoroughly investigate or learn about your potential partner. Make the time to talk to each other, observe each other in different groups, and allow people closest to you to spend time with you as well. And remember, “quickie marriages” more often than not lead to not-so-quick and messy divorces!

6) DO request “references.”

Part of the screening process should include meeting / speaking with other people they know (references). This is especially the case for matches found online, through matrimonial events or who live in different communities, provinces or geographical locations than you do. If you are introduced to someone who you know nothing about make sure to thoroughly investigate who he/she is. If they have nothing to hide then they should have no problem giving you an opportunity to meet or speak with others close to him/her. If they make excuses, make you feel bad for not ”trusting” them, or make any other attempt to evade a reference list then take it as a major red flag. In this day and age the last thing you should do is let your emotions and the excitement of a budding romance cloud your judgment.

7) DON’T spill the beans too early!

It’s a natural inclination to want to confide in your friend(s) and family at the onset of any exciting situation. However, when a relationship is just developing it’s too early to get others involved and can backfire against you. You may find yourself prematurely soliciting advice or building up something that doesn’t have much potential. A rule of thumb should be to wait until you’ve had at least 3 substantial conversations and/or email exchanges, and/or meetings before telling someone else. And make sure the person you decide to confide in is qualified to give you advice. It should be less about the role they have in your life than it is their ability to give sound, practical, and balanced advice.

8) DO have the confidence to make the first move.

If someone piques your interest then don’t wait around for something to happen but rather make it happen! Both men and women are susceptible to putting too much of the focus on the wrong place. If you’re consumed with a fear of rejection or worry too much about some other negative consequence then you are letting life’s opportunities pass you by. On the contrary, by reaching out to someone or finding a third person to get involved you are writing the narrative and thus becoming an active participant in your own life.

9) DON’T rely too much on your ”friends.”

Inviting a family member or your best buddy/girlfriend to tag along with you on your first “date” is understandable but after that you really need to think about cutting them loose (keeping in mind the ‘halal-dating’ rules we mentioned earlier of course). While it may be great for you to have the support and presence of a familiar face around you, imagine how your date feels. It’s awkward to have strangers around when the focus should be on you and this new person you’ve just met. Additionally, learning how to have focused one-on-one communication is among the most important factors to a healthy and happy relationship.

10) DO be nice to everyone.

It’s a fact that we are generally drawn to happy and positive people. You never know what a chance encounter with a stranger can lead to. Perhaps you’re at a wedding and you graciously offered your seat to a stranger. That kind and generous act may make an impression on someone who is also looking for a suitable match for her son/daughter. Love could literally be right around the corner, stay happy so that you can welcome it with a smile on your face!

11) DON’T complicate your first interaction.

Whether you’re going to exchange introductory emails or you’re planning to meet someone for the first time make sure to keep it simple. If you lay it on thick in the beginning with too many complicated questions or requirements about time, place, etc., you might put the other person off. Part of the excitement of getting to know someone is the build-up, the gradual process of getting to know someone. That can quickly be destroyed by too much too fast.

12) DO plan around your stressful day.

If an opportunity arises for you to meet or talk with someone but you’ve had an exceptionally stressful day, let the other person know you need to reschedule. If you go through with something after a rough day, it’s much worse for both of you because you’ll end up complaining the entire time about your stressful experience or you might allow the negative energy it created to completely high-jack your personality and take over your disposition. Remember, not only are first impressions everything but you also want to leave every conversation on a good note, making a positive and lasting impression.

13) DON’T go overboard on ”selling” yourself.

If you speak too much about yourself or take too much effort trying to “dress to impress,” you may be giving the completely wrong message about who you are. While physical attraction/chemistry is key to a successful match, you don’t need to make it your main objective. Chances are by the first few conversations you will know whether or not there is “something” there and if there is don’t turn it into “nothing” with overkill. Ask more questions than talk, listen attentively and dress appropriate for the occasion.

14) DO be your authentic self.

In the beginning of any courtship, aside from making more of an effort with basic manners and etiquette, you should never change yourself or accommodate who you are for anyone else. Being transparent during the courtship process is very important, especially since your intentions are for marriage and not just merely dating someone. You want to be true to your feelings and opinions and feel comfortable expressing yourself freely. If you have reservations about these things then you need to ask yourself why. Are you afraid the person will not like who you really are? Are you afraid of their reaction, i.e., anger, disappointment, judgment? Do they intimidate you and/or make you feel like your opinions can’t differ from theirs? The answers to these questions may alert you to bigger problems if there are any.

15) DON’T talk about your past relationships/experiences.

Disclosing a previous marriage is required in Islam but anything else is up to your discretion. It’s always advisable however to stay clear of divulging too much about your past, especially any indiscretions or questionable behavior. Those matters are between you and Allah (swt) and really no one else’s business. There are exceptions of course that you have to take into consideration. If for example, you have any health conditions as a result of your past then you would be obligated to disclose them. Here is an excellent response on how to deal with disclosing one’s past:

Is it Permissible to Lie?

16) DO be honest.

It’s very important to be honest from the beginning.  You don’t have to share your whole life with the person during the beginning stages but be honest about who you are and what you want in life.  If a person is worth your time, they will appreciate the expectations you have for yourself and your potential partner.  Pretending to be all you think your partner wants you to be is a recipe for disaster.

17.) DON’T zone out.

Listen carefully when the person you are interested in is telling you about their life.  By listening carefully you can find out about their personality, likes/dislikes, emotional balance, etc. You want to really hear what the person is saying so you can determine if they are the right match for you and your personality. Try not to interrupt or prepare questions and interject too much. Let the conversation remain fluid and show that they have your undivided attention.

18) DO be aware of time.

It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of something new and allow yourself to get carried away. If, however, you’re finding yourself talking into the late hours of the night, missing classes or going to work late, then you may need to pull back the reigns for several reasons. First of all, you want to make sure that you don’t allow yourself to get too lax with each other where your conversations become inappropriate. This can happen even without direct contact as words are powerful and innocent remarks can quickly turn into flirtatious/sexual banter even via text or email. Scaling back can make you more conscious of how you use your time and how productive your conversations are. You’ll organize your thoughts more and ask the right questions in the timeframe you have as opposed to talking so freely that you head for troubled waters.

19) DON’T convince yourself of something that isn’t there.

Most people want to be in a relationship and are happiest when coupled with someone else so it’s perfectly normal to feel eager to find “the One” and start this exciting chapter of your life. However, if you feel like you are making more exceptions for things that you normally wouldn’t be happy with then perhaps you’re eagerness to get married is clouding your good judgment. Relationships can be complicated but they shouldn’t start out that way. Look for red flags and take each one seriously. If you address them and still don’t find any conclusions then it’s time to move on. Furthermore, forcing something for fear of not having it is a sign of weakness of faith. Marriage, like everything in life is a decree from Allah (swt) and one has to exercise patience until He determines the right time and sends you the right person.

20) DO trust your instincts.

Similar to the previous point, it’s important to not only look out for red flags but also pay close attention to how you feel with someone. If you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right, chances are you’re right. If, for example, you see patterns in someone’s behavior that worry you, don’t dismiss them as nothing or paranoia. Many people swear that their sixth sense or instincts helped them out of a bad situation, and some even attribute these thoughts to guidance from Allah (swt) in response to one’s Istikhara, prayers, etc.

21) DON’T ask for too much advice.

People who have a tendency of confiding in too many people or who are always asking others for advice are usually afraid of taking responsibility for their choices. You shouldn’t wait for someone else to tell you how to feel or what to do, especially on such an important life decision, but that’s probably what you’re doing. You need to stop turning to others and evaluate just how much time you’ve given to actually thinking about what you want, what you need, and whether or not the person you’re talking to measures up.

22) DO listen to advice even if you’re not happy about it.

If a friend or family member points out something negative in someone you’re considering don’t react emotionally. Remember, unless there is something dysfunctional about your relationship with them, most likely they’re just looking out for you and are coming from a place of love and concern. Plus, if more than one person tells you something about a potential partner, even if it has to do with their past, be receptive to hearing them out completely. You want your decision to marry someone to be an informed decision. The worst thing to do is to just look for the positives and then get flooded by the negatives after the wedding, when it’s too late!

23.) DON’T be jealous.

Don’t focus too much on what others have. Just because your friend found his/her soul mate, does not mean you are bound to be single forever.  Be happy for your friends and don’t waste time being jealous of them.  By being happy for your friends, not only will your friendship flourish but also you might meet someone at his or her wedding or through his or her new connections.

24.) DO have a life outside the relationship.

It’s important to continue to have a separate life outside your relationship even if you think you’ve found your soul mate. Having a passion such as your career, exercising, spending time with friends/family provides balance in your life and for your relationship. You should continue to grow as a person in all ways that are important to you.  This not only makes you more interesting to be with but also makes you more emotionally balanced in your relationship.

25.) DON’T text.

Using texting as your primary form of communication interferes with building a deeper bonding experience. Texting is less rewarding and provides less of the neurochemical reaction our brain needs to increase bonding. If you must text, limit it to times when you are running late or wanting to change plans. Using texting for important topics should be avoided. It’s important to create healthy patterns in the beginning of the relationship to maintain them throughout. And ideal relationship is one where the couple thrives on healthy, direct and regular communication with each other.

For more informative marriage-related articles please check out some of our previous work:

10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person
When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community

* We wrote this article exclusively for www.nikah.ca and it was originally featured on 1/17/13

“My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession”.
-Joaquin Phoenix

Popular films like Fatal Attraction, Silence of the Lambs, and the more recent Silver Linings Playbook, give us a glimpse of specific personality disorders including delusional disorder, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder. There are, however, several other types of personality disorders that affect millions of people every day and are not as commonly known.

Personality refers to a distinctive set of behavior style, patterns, and traits that make up our character or individuality. Our perception of the world along with our attitudes, thoughts, and feelings are all part of our personality. People with healthy personalities are able to cope with normal stresses and do not have difficulty forming relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.

Personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes you unique. It’s the way you view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how you see yourself. Personality forms during childhood and shaped through an interaction of your genetic makeup and the environment you grew up in.  The aspects of your personality passed on to you by your parents, such as shyness or having a happy outlook (temperament) is your genetic makeup.  The surroundings you grew up in, events that occurred, and relationships with family members and others would be your environment.  It includes such things as the type of parenting you had (whether loving or abusive).

Personality disorders are thought to be caused by a combination of these genetic and environmental influences. You may have a genetic vulnerability to developing a personality disorder and your life situation may trigger the actual development of a personality disorder. Personality disorders often begin in childhood and last through adulthood. There’s reluctance to diagnose personality disorders in a child, though, because the patterns of behavior and thinking could simply reflect adolescent experimentation or temporary developmental phases.

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness in which an individual has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people, including themselves. There are many specific types of personality disorders. In general, having a personality disorder means an individual has a rigid, inflexible, and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation. This leads to significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work, and school. In some cases, the individual may not realize that they have a personality disorder because their way of thinking and behaving seems natural to them, and they may blame others for the challenges they face. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are “normal” or “right,” people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities.

Personality Disorder symptoms include:

•    Frequent mood swings
•    Stormy relationships
•    Social isolation
•    Angry outbursts
•    Suspicion and mistrust of others
•    Difficulty making friends
•    A need for instant gratification
•    Poor impulse control
•    Alcohol or substance abuse

Specific Types of Personality Disorders

The specific types of personality disorders are grouped into three clusters based on similar characteristics and symptoms. Many people with one diagnosed personality disorder also have signs and symptoms of at least one additional personality disorder.

Cluster A Personality Disorders

These personality disorders characterized by odd, eccentric thinking or behavior include:

Paranoid Personality Disorder

The essential feature for this type of personality disorder is interpreting the actions of others as deliberately threatening or demeaning. People with paranoid personality disorder are untrusting, unforgiving, and prone to angry or aggressive outbursts without justification because they perceive others as unfaithful, disloyal, condescending or deceitful. This type of person may also be jealous, guarded, secretive, and scheming, and may appear to be emotionally “cold” or excessively serious.

•    Distrust and suspicion of others
•    Believing that others are trying to harm you
•    Emotional detachment
•    Hostility

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Schizoid personalities are introverted, withdrawn, solitary, emotionally cold, and distant. They are often absorbed with their own thoughts and feelings and are fearful of closeness and intimacy with others. For example, a person suffering from schizoid personality is more of a daydreamer than a practical action taker.

•    Lack of interest in social relationships
•    Limited range of emotional expression
•    Inability to pick up normal social cues
•    Appearing dull or indifferent to others

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

A pattern of peculiarities best describes those with schizotypal personality disorder. People may have odd or eccentric manners of speaking or dressing. Strange, outlandish or paranoid beliefs and thoughts are common. People with schizotypal personality disorder have difficulties forming relationships and experience extreme anxiety in social situations. They may react inappropriately or not react at all during a conversation or they may talk to themselves. They also display signs of “magical thinking” by saying they can see into the future or read other people’s minds.

•    Peculiar dress, thinking, beliefs or behavior
•    Perceptual alterations, such as those affecting touch
•    Discomfort in close relationships
•    Flat emotions or inappropriate emotional responses
•    Indifference to others
•    ”Magical thinking” — believing you can influence people and events with your thoughts
•    Believing that messages are hidden for you in public speeches or displays

Cluster B Personality Disorders

These are personality disorders characterized by dramatic, overly emotional thinking or behavior and include:

Antisocial (formerly called Sociopathic) Personality Disorder: People with antisocial personality disorder characteristically act out their conflicts and ignore normal rules of social behavior. These individuals are impulsive, irresponsible, and callous. Typically, the antisocial personality has a history of legal difficulties, belligerent and irresponsible behavior, aggressive and even violent relationships. They show no respect for other people and feel no remorse about the effects of their behavior on others. These people  are at high risk for substance abuse, especially alcoholism, since it helps them to relieve tension, irritability and boredom.

•    Disregard for others
•    Persistent lying or stealing
•    Recurring difficulties with the law
•    Repeatedly violating the rights of others
•    Aggressive, often violent behavior
•    Disregard for the safety of self or others

Borderline Personality Disorder: People with borderline personality disorder are unstable in several areas, including interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. Abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, an unstable and fluctuating self-image, unpredictable and self-destructive actions characterize the person with borderline personality disorder. These individuals generally have great difficulty with their own sense of identity. They often experience the world in extremes, viewing others as either “all good” or “all bad.” A person with borderline personality may form an intense personal attachment with someone only to quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight. Fears of abandonment may lead to an excessive dependency on others. Self-mutilation or recurrent suicidal gestures may be used to get attention or manipulate others. Impulsive actions, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and bouts of intense inappropriate anger are other traits of this disorder, which is more common among females.

•    Impulsive and risky behavior
•    Volatile relationships
•    Unstable mood
•    Suicidal behavior
•    Fear of being alone

Histrionic Personality Disorder: Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriately seductive behavior, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious.

•    Constantly seeking attention
•    Excessively emotional
•    Extreme sensitivity to others’ approval
•    Unstable mood
•    Excessive concern with physical appearance

Narcissistic Personality Disorder:  People with narcissistic personality have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, are absorbed by fantasies of unlimited success, and seek constant attention. The narcissistic personality is oversensitive to failure and often complains of multiple somatic symptoms. Prone to extreme mood swings between self-admiration and insecurity, these people tend to exploit interpersonal relationships.

•    Believing they are better than others
•    Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
•    Exaggerating achievements or talents
•    Expecting constant praise and admiration
•    Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings

Cluster C Personality Disorders

These are personality disorders characterized by anxious, fearful thinking or behavior and include:

Avoidant Personality Disorder: Avoidant personalities are often hypersensitive to rejection and are unwilling to become involved with others unless they are sure of being liked. Excessive social discomfort, timidity, fear of criticism, avoidance of social or work activities that involve interpersonal contact are characteristic of the avoidant personality. They are fearful of saying something considered foolish by others; worry they will blush or cry in front of others; and are very hurt by any disapproval by others. People with avoidant personality disorder may have no close relationships outside of their family circle, although they would like to, and are upset at their inability to relate well to others.

•    Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
•    Feeling inadequate
•    Social isolation
•    Extreme shyness in social situations
•    Timidity

Dependent Personality Disorder: People with dependent personality disorder may exhibit a pattern of dependent and submissive behavior, relying on others to make decisions for them. They require excessive reassurance and advice, and are easily hurt by criticism or disapproval. They feel uncomfortable and helpless if they are alone, and can be devastated when a close relationship ends. They have a strong fear of rejection. Typically lacking in self-confidence, the dependent personality rarely initiates projects or does things independently. This disorder usually begins by early adulthood and is diagnosed more frequently in females than males.

•    Excessive dependence on others
•    Submissiveness toward others
•    A desire to be taken care of
•    Tolerance of poor or abusive treatment
•    Urgent need to start a new relationship when one has ended

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder: Compulsive personalities are conscientious and have high levels of aspiration, but they also strive for perfection. Never satisfied with their achievements, people with compulsive personality disorder take on more and more responsibilities. They are reliable, dependable, orderly, and methodical, but their inflexibility often makes them incapable of adapting to changed circumstances. People with compulsive personality are highly cautious, weigh all aspects of a problem, and pay attention to every detail, making it difficult for them to make decisions and complete tasks. When their feelings are not under strict control, events are unpredictable, or they must rely on others, compulsive personalities often feel a sense of isolation and helplessness.

•    Preoccupation with orderliness and rules
•    Extreme perfectionism
•    Desire to be in control of situations
•    Inability to discard broken or worthless objects
•    Inflexibility

*Note: Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder, a type of anxiety disorder.

When these characteristics are carried to an extreme, when they endure over time and when they interfere with healthy functioning, a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or mental health professional is recommended.

Risk Factors

Although the precise cause of personality disorders isn’t known, certain factors seem to increase the risk of developing or triggering personality disorders, including:

•    A family history of personality disorders or other mental illness
•    Low socioeconomic status
•    Verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood
•    Neglect during childhood
•    An unstable or chaotic family life during childhood
•    Being diagnosed with childhood conduct disorder
•    Loss of parents through death or traumatic divorce during childhood

Complications and problems that personality disorders may cause or be associated with include:

•    Depression
•    Anxiety
•    Eating disorders
•    Suicidal behavior
•    Self-injury
•    Reckless behavior
•    Risky sexual behavior
•    Child abuse
•    Alcohol or substance abuse
•    Aggression or violence
•    Incarceration
•    Relationship difficulties
•    Social isolation
•    School and work problems

Treatment of the Personality Disorder

There are many types of help available for the different personality disorders. Treatment may include individual, group, or family psychotherapy. Medications, prescribed by a patient’s physician, may also be helpful in relieving some of the symptoms of personality disorders, including problems with anxiety and perceptions.
Psychotherapy for patients with personality disorders focuses on helping them see the unconscious conflicts that are contributing to or causing their symptoms. It also helps people become more flexible and is aimed at reducing the behavior patterns that interfere with everyday living.

In psychotherapy, people with personality disorders can better recognize the effects of their behavior on others. Behavior and cognitive therapies focus on resolving symptoms or traits that are characteristic of the disorder, such as the inability to make important life decisions or the inability to initiate relationships.

There is Hope

The more you learn about personality disorders the more you will understand that they are illnesses, with causes and treatments. People can improve with proper care. By seeking out information you can recognize the signs and symptoms of a personality disorder and help yourself or someone you know live a healthier more fulfilling life.
Untreated, personality disorders can cause significant problems in your life, and they may get worse without treatment.  Please contact us or your local mental health professional for more information about treatment options.

Other Resources

National Mental Health Consumer Self-Help Clearinghouse

National Mental Health Information Center

“At the end, all that’s left of you are your possessions. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never been able to throw anything away. Perhaps that’s why I hoarded the world: with the hope that when I died, the sum total of my things would suggest a life larger than the one I lived.”
― Nicole Krauss

There are people who like to collect things such as stamps, dolls, antiques, etc.  Hoarders on the other hand demonstrate a pattern of behavior that is characterized by the excessive acquisition of an inability or unwillingness to discard large quantities of objects that would seemingly qualify as useless or without value. The presentation and level of mental illness with hoarders varies and is diverse. Compulsive Hoarding is similar to OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and is considered an OCD spectrum disorder but not all hoarders have the OCD diagnosis.  Similarly, not all individuals diagnosed with OCD become hoarders.  Current research estimates about 1-2% of individuals diagnosed with OCD have problems with hoarding and only 2-5% of the population is struggling with hoarding.  Currently compulsive hoarding is not yet recognized as a diagnosable disorder in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

Features of Compulsive Hoarding

Individuals suffering from compulsive hoarding typically have poor insight, suffer from cognitive distortions, are distractible, and have trouble making decisions.  They tend to be perfectionistic and afraid to make mistakes.  They have difficulty categorizing items and difficulty with organization and memory.   Due to the poor memory , hoarder typically like to have everything out in front of them but they end up having so many things out, they become overwhelmed  and items do not trigger their memory.  This is different from being cluttered or simply messy.  They tend to over-sentimentalize items and become attached to material objects.  Discarding items becomes very difficult.  These individuals typically acquire items which usually have no value to most people.  As a result, they cannot access their home as it’s meant to be.  This will cause marked distress to the individual and causes relational issues and impairs life functioning.   For many individuals, sorting items become so anxiety provoking, they end up avoiding the task, resulting in even more anxiety.  They justify buying items either out of guilt or to please others (e.g. be a good mom, wife, friend, etc.).    These individuals end up becoming more and more isolated as the hoarding progresses.  They become afraid of having others over to their homes or family members, out of embarrassment, avoid socializing with others.

Other features of Hoarding:

1. Hoarders tend to hold onto a large number of items that most people would consider not useful or valuable (e.g. junk mail, old catalogs and newspapers, clothes that “might” be worn one day, trash, and freebies picked up).
2. The home is so cluttered that it is inaccessible and can no longer be used for intended purpose (e.g. beds that cannot be slept in, the refrigerator filled with rotten food, stove top covered with junk mail or old food, dining table and chairs covered with items, filthy bathrooms, or dead animals).
3. The clutter and mess is so bad it causes illness, distress, and impairment (e.g. individual is isolated from others, family at risk for fire, falling, infestation, or eviction, personal relationships are impaired, and the individual feels depressed or anxious most of the time because of the clutter)

Causes of Hoarding

Many individuals who hoard have a genetic predisposition towards hoarding.  A genetic abnormality has been identified and some people are “wired” to hoard but it’s the erroneous beliefs and cognitive distortions that maintain the behavior.  For some individuals, a traumatic or stressful event can exacerbate the problem such as the loss of a spouse, divorce, or going through empty nest.

Challenges

Due to the lack of insight and motivation associated with hoarding, it is very difficult to get individuals into treatment and to stay in treatment.  Hoarders were significantly less likely to see a problem in a hoarding situation than a friend or a relative might. Educational presentations are helpful in raising awareness and reducing the stigma of seeking treatment.

Treatment Options

For most individuals, family members are the first to notice hoarding patterns.  The typical referral age for an individual suffering from hoarding is between 40-50 due to the length of time required for pattern recognition and to  accumulate items but the age of onset can be as early as age 13.  Family members usually are the ones that initiate and encourage treatment but the individual must want help and accept interventions. Usually family members become alarmed and feel powerless, having nowhere to turn.  Family members can collaboratively work with the therapist once they agree to some ground rules such as:

1.)    Family members are encouraged to NOT clean the house or throw away the hoarding individuals belongings.   Doing so is not helpful because it will cause the hoarder extreme anxiety, leading to more hoarding.

2.)    Allow the hoarding individual to identify goals for themselves and allow them to work at their own pace.  Family members cannot dictate this.

3.)    Never touch the hoarding individuals possessions unless they have permission to do so.

4.)    All decisions about items must be made by the hoarder, whether family members agree or not.

The individual working with a mental health professional will typically start with a family meeting..  The family as well as the individual will be educated about the disorder in order to increase insight and awareness.  Undergoing a comprehensive behavioral assessment is key.  The therapist might physically go to the house and walk through the house to assess the living situation or rely on pictures provided by family members.  Infestations of insects and rodents, along with safety hazards like blocked doorway and windows will be identified.  Many hoarders have so much stuff, walking through the home can be difficult.  A comprehensive clinical interview with family members and the individual will determine the functional aspect of the hoarding (antecedents, behaviors, consequences) and reinforcements will be identified.  Alternative replacement behaviors will be identified.  The mental health practitioner will also need to assess the health of the individual’s relationships with others.  Are they isolated, have legal and financial issues, difficulty keeping a job?

Once a treatment plan has been established, the individual hoarder decides where in the home they want to start.  Typically they will start in a section that causes the least amount of anxiety.  There will be many opportunities to address cognitive distortions and anxiety during this process (For individuals who live too far or do not want the therapist to come to their homes, they can bring bags of items to the therapist office).  A structured sorting system focused on categorizing the items is crucial. The categorization system must be established in advance and adhered to in order to avoid justifications for keeping items or getting distracted by items.  There should be a Keep, Donate, and Discard pile and the therapist can work with the client during the sorting process.  The process might be very overwhelming and they may have difficulty coping with the process.  These issues can be addressed by the therapist as the process continues.  It’s important for the therapist to slow down the pace and take a break if the process becomes too overwhelming for the client.  The goal is to teach the client skills they can maintain over time. It’s also extremely important for the client to only handle an item one time and make a decision prior to moving  on to the next item.  Moving items from pile to pile is a typical behavior pattern for the hoarder and is not helpful.  It’s also important to keep the client on task and limit distractions such as stories about the item or justifications for keeping items.  Addressing the shopping experience with the hoarder is very important as well.  For most hoarders, the value of an object increases significantly once they hold the object in their hands.  Helping them overcome this process is key to reducing the need to buy and perpetuating the hoarding cycle.   Please contact a mental health professional in your community if you or someone else is dealing with hoarding.

“When my mind plays tricks on me I can deal. But when my mind plays tricks on my mind I can not tell what’s real”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

In the summer of 1999, I took my shahada in a small, sunlit room in Illinois. I was 13 years old, and had spent the prior year trying to end my own life. Fueled by a feeling of disconnectedness, despair, and intense pain, I took piles of pills, drank bottles of Raid and WD40, picked a lock and stolen one of my father’s hand guns, and finally took an entire bottle of blood thinners. In a way, I felt like I was being rescued through my conversion – in another, it was a path by which I could rescue myself.

This behavior was not new to my family which has suffered and struggled with mental illness on both sides for several generations. From a young age both my brother and I exhibited signs of manic episodes, characterized by intense hyperactive highs and dark, depressed lows, but it was when I was 12 that I decided to take matters into my own hands. While back then I could not communicate the cause for my behavior effectively to my parents or the parade of therapists, I can now explain that I was not simply depressed and suicidal, but that I felt no sense of connection to the life I was living. Perhaps I felt that God had somehow made a mistake and I had been born into the wrong life. I imagined that if I died I could either be reborn in the right life, or at least be happy with God. My conversion to Islam helped me end my suicide attempts, but did not cure my illness, and it is about that I intend to write.

When Islam came to me I had a spiritual epiphany, a moment in which suddenly the world made sense and I felt my place. Islam was worth living for, no matter what else was going on around me. Most Muslims assume that symptoms of my illness would totally remit, but that was not the case. My life after my conversion continued to spiral downward, as trauma and turmoil at home worsened. I went between periods of dark depression, anger, hopelessness and then periods of high energy, sleeplessness, and what I can only describe as mental hyperactivity. Islam’s prohibitions on drugs, alcohol and pre-marital sex did keep me from seeking these vices as a means of comfort from the pain, but it did not keep me from unknowingly developing other ways of acting out and hurting myself. I developed an eating disorder, my relationships continued to suffer and while I never attempted suicide again, I was often tempted.

I was confused as to why my conversion did not “save” me. I was alone with almost no other Muslims in my part of Wisconsin, and while my conversion was about seeking God and purpose and not about people, I felt entirely alone nonetheless. I prayed, fasted, performed my duties with enthusiasm and was still suffering. It was not until I befriended a Muslim family in my late teens, after leaving home and about to enter college. That was when I was finally able to confide in them that I had been diagnosed with depression. I expected my friends to wrap their arms around me and offer religious and worldly advice on how to feel better, supported and to never feel alone again. Instead, they withdrew from me, regarded me with suspicion, and told me just to pray more. I felt rejected, and blamed. Was it that God was angry with me? Did God love me at all, and this question was the source of my pain? This reaction caused a new framework to develop in my mind, one in which suffering was punishment, neglect and anger – something I somehow deserved.

In college I had access to free counseling.  I deeply disliked this idea because at the time I felt getting help would mean that I was too weak to handle my problems myself, but my pain had reached a point that I was unable to function in classes, manage my moods, and the mental hyper-activity was making me feel, for lack of a better word, crazy. After a review of my medical and personal history, the therapists diagnosed me not with depression, but with bipolar disorder.

While the causes of bipolar disorder are unknown, it frequently occurs in people with a family history. People with bipolar disorder fluctuate between periods of hyper activity, which can include difficulty sleeping, concentrating, poor control of temper and a drive to start lots of projects and activities. Symptoms of bipolar disorder also include depressive episodes which can range from mild to severe, posing a risk for suicide, lashing out, and an inability to finish projects/activities started. On either end, drug abuse, eating disorders and problems with finances, relationships are common. [1]

This is what the books and doctors say bipolar disorder looks like. Though none of them could describe what it feels like.  It is like every part of my psyche is at war with the other parts, cloaked in a darkness in which I cannot see a way out of. At times, the hyperactivity would evolve into a panic attack, for which I was hospitalized several times. I would eat any and everything I could so that my body would be so busy digesting that I might actually be able to fall asleep. When that didn’t work, I would eat and then take sleeping pills. And when that no longer worked, I found other ways to make myself feel good, like spending money I didn’t have, which like the eating only created more problems, but they were problems I could wrap my hands around and to some extent, control. When that no longer worked, I resorted to smoking. While I never resorted to drugs or alcohol, I thought about it often sometimes even wished it.

I was offered medications to help treat my disorder. Popular medications for bi-polar disorder are Lamictal and Lithium, and I was put on the former. Lamictal [2] is used to treat bi-polar disorder and epilepsy. It delayed some of my symptoms, but when my supply ran out before a refill the withdrawal was more excruciating than the illness itself. I felt I had lost my mind, was filled with uncontrollable and quickly changing emotions, and could do little more than cry and hide in the darkest place I could find. The medication was also difficult to obtain. The free counseling at my university did not cover medication, and to get it I had to complete confusing and time consuming paperwork, wait several weeks for it to be filled, and to top it off, I was quickly building a tolerance to the medication. This tolerance to the medicine baffled my therapists. They were confused and frustrated, and since I could see that in their faces and hear it in their voices I felt guilty just being there. I wanted to get better, but they, made me feel that if I didn’t fit into the mold of “what a mental health patient should be” then suddenly they had no time for me. I stopped going, and they just never called to see why.

Many people now believe we can now prove that prayer heals. I agree on this, but during this time my relationship with God became more and more strained. I was angry that God had created me “sick”, which was ruining all the work I had done, kept me from creating strong friendships, and put me in my own little hell. I wanted God to talk to me and give it to me straight. I avoided prayer because the vulnerability I felt during prayer would cause me to lose the minimal amount of control I had, which barely allowed me to function each day. Additionally, the stormy war that was raging inside my brain made anything close to prayer or meditation extremely difficult. I was overcome with guilt, and now firmly convinced that God was angry with me, and this would only continue to get worse.

The religiously minded often say it is good to remember we are not in control. It humbles us and makes us pious, but that was not the kind of control I was trying to hold on to. A loss of control meant mental chaos, more pain, more lying on the couch holding my head and screaming at myself and God. Surely, I believed, it must be better to maintain what control I could than to go through that. I no longer felt safe in prayer.

I married my husband Badr shortly before my formal diagnosis. While complications with immigration kept us physically apart, we were always on the phone or emailing and texting each other. I decided I needed his help to survive, or I would not be able to handle this illness much longer. Together, we became very familiar with bi-polar disorder, planned ways to manage my ups and downs, identified my triggers and made a plan. We took control. Even when I was at my worst, he learned that he could not fix it or save me from it, but he could be there to listen, to support me, and to clear the path. It was not easy for him, and it took years to nail down a solid strategy, but he did not give up even when I did.

Islam gave me a reason to live, and so even when I wanted to die, a sense of duty toward Islam, toward God, was the only thing stopping me. I was angry at God, but it did not stop me from loving God. I do not remember how or when, but eventually I learned that God was not angry with me, or torturing me. I was just made different, and while that difference brought me great pain it also allowed me to see things others did not. I could see the suffering, the details and inside of other people’s pain. Aside from this, a mind that constantly exists on the periphery is also one that can see beauty where others do not. I was outside the norm, and finally understood that if I wanted it to be, my differences could be a good thing. Maybe I was not made sick. Maybe I was just made different, and being different hurts and gives us new challenges, but that does not make it bad. If God meant for us all to be the same, we would have been created that way. Differences are opportunities for learning.

A friend of mine, who is a Christian minister, put it best when she said “no one has wider shoulders than God”. Despite my anger, lashing out, and the darkness, God did not leave. I learned that God can take my pain, and will always listen. The Qur’an opens with in the name of God, The Merciful, The Compassionate, and I found God with me when the smoke cleared. I found God was my friend, who was not what my Muslim friends told me God was. They were wrong when they said all I needed to do was pray more, as though this suggestion absolved them of any need to “deal” with me and justified their ignorance and neglect. They were wrong when they wondered if I was possessed or bewitched. They were wrong when they said my pain was due to some deformity in my character for which I must atone. They did not, and do not, speak for God. I was different, but that did not deserve stigma. Stigma is a choice to remain ignorant out of our own fear, and I do not believe there is any room in Islam for that.

God was with me, loving me, every step of the way. Bi-polar disorder, and most mental illnesses cannot be cured. There is no magic recipe or special prayer that will “fix” me. I do, and will always, continue to struggle with the symptoms of bi-polar disorder. I still have difficulty dealing with my peers, who often assume my symptoms are due to a deformity of character, struggle with depression and an addiction to food, but I now understand I am not alone. The steps I slowly take to find my balance are making a difference. With the exclusion of “dirty” food, my manic episodes have decreased significantly, for example, but most of all, I stopped torturing myself for suffering.

People should have permission to suffer. We torture ourselves for suffering – for having difficulty with prayer and fasting, for thinking dark thoughts, or expressing pain. We punish ourselves, as if we think we can overcome illness through it, but all we do is increase our suffering substantially. When we let go of the guilt, we let go of the blame, and already our pain is improved upon. We are not bad, wrong or damned because we are suffering. We did nothing to deserve this, and it is not a punishment. Letting go of the guilt is the first step to a better life, and toward a deeper, more loving relationship with God, and yourself.

Mental illness can be unpredictable. As human beings we try to make sense of things and control them, and when we cannot, we tend to think that it is because we were not strong or smart enough. When diagnosing or treating a mental illness, there is almost never a constant. The medication did not help me, but that does not mean it will not help anyone. As Muslims, we are encouraged to seek healing as much as we seek knowledge. Having an obstacle to overcome and learn from is part of life, and we all have our own. Through my battle with bi-polar disorder, I found my path in life and my path to God. If you are suffering, seek help.

Start with a counselor. Most jobs provide Employee Assistance Programs that provide free counseling or make referrals, confidentially. Even if you do not have health insurance, there are programs out there to get you the care you need. Reach out to your local hospital or social service office and start asking questions about programs, assistance and resources. Try to identify your triggers, things large or small that seem to set you off and cause you prolonged pain. If you can, talk with trusted family and friends to see if they notice patterns in your behavior. Take a good look at your diet and surroundings.  Processed food can make mental health worse, not to mention physical health. If you can, go organic or start your own garden. Being outside and connecting with the planet is meditative and a great outlet for energy. If you are stuck in a place, a job or neighborhood, that makes your health worse, start taking steps to address it. Praying and fasting are important and valuable ways to heal, but prayer does not just happen five times a day. We can talk to God, vent, cry, complain and sing, at any time. You do not have to worry that you are not saying something right or are unable to get your point across – because God knows.

For Muslims one of the most difficult steps to healing is family. We are a diverse community with a diverse set of needs and expectations, and an array of cultural baggage. If you can, have a family meeting and be prepared to be honest about what you are going through, what you need from them, and make a choice to work together. This is also possible with a trusted friend, religious leader, chaplain, or medical professional. Counselors and therapists are also there to help. Whether it is a doctor, friend, or family member, build a bridge with someone who is willing to be in your corner.

If you are concerned about a family member that may be suffering, approach them gently. Offer to listen, and have patience. If you or your family are struggling with a crisis, such as a suicide attempt or addiction, get help and do so as a single family unit. If you are frightened and unsure of what to do, calling the United Way Hotline, #211, available anywhere in the country, will connect you with someone that is qualified to make referrals and help you immediately.

While not every possible context can be addressed, the steps toward help remain in letting go of guilt and blame, building a relationship with a “support buddy”, and making a plan based on your needs, abilities and understanding that the path to healing is not a cure, it is not clear cut and it will most likely change but there is a way to live healthy and be productive. Your experience may equip you to reach out to someone else in pain. All suffering is an opportunity for learning. Despite the pain, we as individuals and a community have the opportunity to reach out, form meaningful relationships, protect each other, and become closer, stronger, by letting go of fear, blame and control, and acting with compassion, forgiveness, and patience, especially toward ourselves, and therein lies the path to God.

Differentiation involves changing the way we think about marriage: Instead of seeing it as the merging of two people into one, as has often been taught, we must learn to maintain a sense of ourselves as distinct from our partner in order to become closer to him/her. – David Schnarch

Many Muslim couples struggling with their marriage admit that prior to the marriage they held the belief that in order to make the marriage a success, they needed to adopt their spouse’s interests and consequently lose some of their own. Some go in to counseling feeling frustrated with the marriage because they assert that, “they gave up everything” for their spouse.  Read More…

9.) Overwhelmed By Guilt?

“How blunt are all the arrows of thy quiver in comparison with those of guilt”. -Robert Blair

Guilt is one of the most powerful of human emotions. It can motivate one to seek redemption or it can leave one feeling hopeless; it can set one on a path of true renewal and change or on a dangerous and dark path of depression and moral decline.  Feelings of guilt can surface for a number of different reasons. One may feel guilt after disappointing or hurting a loved one. A teenager who disobeys his/her parent or a spouse who betrays their partner may struggle with serious feelings of guilt both during and after their indiscretions. Guilt can also emerge from having negative feelings or thoughts about others, which are undeserved, such as being jealous of someone’s success.  Perhaps the most demoralizing form is extreme guilt that can afflict someone after committing a sin or a serious moral offense.  The one suffering from this type of guilt is not just feeling deep regret for his/her wrongs but they are in fact overwhelmed with despair, hopelessness, and self-loathing.  Read More…

8.) Parenting Styles: Is Friendship Too Much of a Good Thing?

“It’s better to leave your children self-sufficient than to leave them on the mercy of others.” -Prophet Muhammad (Tirmidhi)

Today’s parents are struggling to balance the fine line of being best friends with their children while at the same time setting limits and enforcing rules.  Due to the “therapization” of society, many parents today feel a deep sense of inadequacy in their role as parents and are unsure about the best way to raise their children.  They understand the negative consequences of using physical punishment to deal with inappropriate behavior but are unsure about the best way to raise a well disciplined child while at the same time being emotionally close to their children.  Read More…

7.) Child Abuse in the Muslim Community

Child abuse is the dirty little secret no one wants to talk about yet in many homes across the world, it’s as prevalent today as it was centuries ago.  According to www.childhelp.org, “Over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations.”  According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “Worldwide, approximately 40 million children are subjected to child abuse each year (WHO, 2001⁴)”.  In Islam, we are taught to be gentle with our children and Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) was the best example of this.  He would take children in his arms and embrace them. He was once hugging his beloved grandsons, Hasan and Hussain (peace be upon them), when Aqrah bin Haabis told him, ‘I have got ten children. So far, I have not kissed any of them.’ The Prophet (peace be upon him) responded: “The one with no pity for others is not pitied.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim). In this way he was particularly compassionate towards children. When he saw a child crying, he sat beside him or her and talked with them, encouraging them to share their feelings. He also felt the pain of a mother for her child more than the mother herself. Once he said: “I stand in prayer and wish to prolong it. However, I hear the cry of a child and cut the prayer short for the anxiety which the mother is feeling.” (Al-Bukhari).  Read More…

 6.)  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Scrupulosity

 “He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” – Arabian Proverb

Wikipedia defines scrupulosity as a psychological disorder “characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning”.  Religious practice and devotion are not necessarily the cause of scrupulosity.  Scrupulosity is considered a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  OCD can occur in different forms. There are a variety of different types of obsessions and compulsions. The nature of intensity of these symptoms may vary over time. In some cases, aggressive, sexual and religious obsessions can occur together in the same individual.  Read More…

5.) A Mother’s Reflection of Grief & Loss in Islam

“Whoever finds love beneath hurt and grief disappears into emptiness with a thousand new disguises.” Rumi

In 1999 I embraced Islam. The journey to Islam was long and experiential. I became involved with Westernized Sufism prior to Islam for many years, studying various methods to work on myself and dabbling in teachings that seemed to “fit” my lifestyle. Embracing Islam in 1999 came as a great blessing from Allah: Those whom Allah wants to guide He opens their breast to Islam, (Quran 6:125). I didn’t know it at the time, but my conversion prepared me for the incredible hardship that lied ahead for me: the losses of my two sons in 2002 and 2006. Ironically enough, they both died from “accidental deaths”. They were very close in age and the losses for me were profound tests of patience and forbearance in a time of extreme grief and questions of “why” did this have to happen? Read More…

4.) The Truth About Domestic Violence

“If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night.” – Mark Green

The amount of abuse that happens in Muslim households today has increased dramatically. It is an unfortunate reality that has been hidden and ignored for far too long in our community. There is no excuse for this or any type of abuse in Islam, yet we continue to see women coming into counseling who are petrified to go back to their homes. If there are children, they almost always know about the abuse and have often witnessed it. Not only has it destroyed Muslim families but it has also weakened the Muslim community. In 2000, the North American Council for Muslim Women reported that approximately 10 % of Muslim women were emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by their husbands. Islam came to liberate the woman, not confine her to one space and take away her rights and dignity. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “I recommend that you treat women with goodness. The best of you are those who treat their wives the best.”  Read More…

3.) 25 Signs Your Relationship is in Serious Trouble, Part I

In no particular order of precedence, the following list includes observations I have made in over ten years of helping couples with their relationships. Please take each item on the list with deep consideration and thought and do not jump to conclusions on the sole basis of what you read below; no one knows your relationship better than you.  Read More…

 2.)  When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community

According to a Soundvision survey conducted in 2010: “If you attended six Muslim weddings this summer, chances are that two will end up in divorce sooner or later!” That might sound like a shocking statistic, but sadly, right now I can think of two recent marriages that are already on the verge of divorce. So according to this study, as of the late 1990s, the North American Muslim divorce rate stands at 31.14 percent. Incompatibility was the most cited reason for divorce (16.38%), followed by abuse (13.12%), financial disputes (10.41%), family / in-laws interference (10.20%), sexual infidelity / adultery (8.79%), and others. When they added the results of “religious incompatibility” to the general “incompatibility” factor, it came out to 25.71%. So, basically 1/3 of our marriages are ending in divorce and 1/4th of those are because of incompatibility, specifically, religious incompatibility.  Read More…

1.) 10 Ways To Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.  The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.  One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.  A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are.  The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.  The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent.  Read More…

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.  Men invade another country.  It’s a whole different way of thinking.  ~Elayne Boosler

For some going to the mall with their friends and splurging on beautiful items is thrilling.  Some go as far as saying it is therapeutic or retail therapy.  It feels good to buy a new item and imagine yourself wearing it for a special occasion.  Shopping can be therapeutic and lift up the spirits for some individuals but for others, shopping can be more than an enjoyable outing with friends.  In those cases, shopping becomes an addiction that can lead to financial ruin for the individual as well as their families.

Terrence Shulman, the founder of the Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending and Hoarding states “Everyone wants a slice of the American pie …a nice outfit, a nice car, a nice home. So people feel impatient or entitled to live the life of the rich and famous. . . . People with shaky self-esteem or self-worth are particularly vulnerable,” he says.

“Compulsive shopping and spending are defined as inappropriate, excessive, and out of control,” says Donald Black, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of Iowa College of Medicine. “Like other addictions, it basically has to do with impulsiveness and lack of control over one’s impulses. In America, shopping is embedded in our culture; so often, the impulsiveness comes out as excessive shopping.”

“Shopoholics” are individuals whose shopping habits are out of control and excessive. If you “shop ’till you drop” and max out your credit cards, you may be a shopoholic. People with a shopping addiction believe that if they shop they will feel better. In reality, compulsive shopping and spending generally makes a person feel worse. This is similar to other addictive behaviors such as alcoholism, gambling, and overeating addictions and has some of the same characteristics.

“No one knows what causes addictive behaviors, like shopping, alcoholism, drug abuse, and gambling,” says Ruth Engs, EdD, a professor of applied health science at Indiana University. “Some of the new evidence suggests that some people, maybe 10%-15%, may have a genetic predisposition to an addictive behavior, coupled with an environment in which the particular behavior is triggered, but no one really knows why.”

Although we can’t fully identify the cause of addiction, the reasons for addiction are better understood.  “Individuals will get some kind of high from an addictive behavior like shopping,” says Engs. “Meaning that endorphins and dopamine, naturally occurring opiate receptor sites in the brain, get switched on, and the person feels good, and if it feels good they are more likely to do it — it’s reinforced.”

Compulsive shopping or spending can occur when a person feels depressed, lonely and angry. Shopping and spending will not guarantee more love, raise self-esteem, heal past hurts, end regrets, reduce stress, or end the problems of daily living. It often makes these feelings worse because of the increased financial debt related to compulsive shopping.

How To Spot A Shopoholic

“There are certainly a lot of commonalities among shopoholics and other addicts,” says Engs. “For instance, while alcoholics will hide their bottles, shopoholics will hide their purchases.” There are other signs to look for:

• Overspending. “Often times a person will spend over their budget and get into deep financial trouble, spending well above their income,” says Engs. “The normal person will say, ‘Oops, I can’t afford to buy this or that.’ But not someone who has an addiction,” explains Engs    Shopaholics have difficulty recognizing the boundaries of a budget.
• Overbuying: Women with shopping addiction often have racks of clothes and accessories with the price tags still attached which have never been used. They might go to a mall with the intention of buying one or two items and come home with bags and bags of items (they might go for one pair of shoes and come back with 10)
• Long Term Problem: “A shopping addiction is a continuous problem,” says Engs. “It’s more than two or three months of the year, and more than a once-a-year Christmas spree.”
• Lying and Deceit:  ”Shopoholics will hide their purchases because they don’t want their significant other to know they bought it because they’ll be criticized,” says Engs. “They may have secret credit card accounts, too.”  They are often in denial about the problem.
• Vicious Cycle: “Some people will take their purchases back because they feel guilty,” says Engs. “That guilt can trigger another shopping spree, so it’s a vicious circle.” And in these people, debt may not be an issue because they’re consistently returning clothes out of guilt — but a problem still exists.
• Impacts Personal Relationships: “It is not uncommon for us to see impairments in relationships from excessive spending or shopping,” says Rick Zehr, vice president of addiction and behavioral services at Proctor Hospital at the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery. “Impairment can occur because the person spends time away from home to shop, covers up debt with deception, and emotionally and physically starts to isolate themselves from others as they become preoccupied with their behavior.”
• Need for Consequences: “It’s just like any other addiction — it has nothing to do with how much a person shops or spends, and everything to do with consequences,” says Zehr. “We often get the question around the holidays that because a person spent more money than she intended, does this make her an addict? The answer is no. However, if there is a pattern or a trend or consequences that occur with excessive shopping then the person may be a problem spender — the hallmark is still loss of control. If they are no longer in control of their shopping but their shopping is in control of them, they’ve crossed the line.”

 Treatment Options for Shopping Addiction

If you or a family member is addicted to shopping, seek professional help.  Encourage friends and family members to intervene.  There are many 12 step programs, such as Debtors Anonymous, available locally to provide ongoing maintenance and support.  It’s also important to get credit counseling and begin to reduce your debt as soon as possible.  Medications have been used to treat the underlying issues of depression but results have been mixed.  Treating shopping addiction with cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) along with the credit and debt counseling have been the most helpful approach.  There is no quick and easy cure for shopping addiction, and treatment is necessary for solving the problem.  In addition to treatment, it’s essential for the addict to change their behavior.  Therapists can best help each individual determine the best treatment route, whether it’s a complete ban on shopping or having someone else control their finances.  Simply admitting the problem is half the battle.  The addict must identify the problem as a problem before changes can take place.  Cutting credit cards and limiting access to checkbooks is a good next step.  Limit access to stores either in malls or online and never shop alone.  It’s also extremely important to find a more healthy and meaningful replacement for shopping.

Prevent Future Shopping Binges:

• Pay cash only for purchases
• Use a shopping list and stick to it
• Shop with a friend or spouse
• Destroy all but one credit card, meant for emergency use only
• Leave your wallet at home when going “window shopping”
• Avoid TV infomercials and shopping channels
• Take a walk or exercise when the urge to shop comes on

“The part cannot be well unless the whole is well” -Plato

For many Muslims who are dealing with mental illness, the question of medication haunts them due to religious concerns.  Many have questioned the permissability of  psychotropic medications in Islam. From an Islamic perspective,  taking medication for a mental problem should be no different than taking medication for a physical ailment.  However, Western society has also began questioning the over-prescription of medications for mental illness.  Although medication serves a very important role in treating severe cases of mental illness, research has shown many Americans are taking medications that may not work for them or may be completely inappropriate for their mental health needs. Inappropriately prescribing medication can lead to serious harm. Many individuals are currently being prescribed psychotropic medications without a thorough evaluation from a mental health professional. This is due to many individuals seeking mental health treatment from their primary care physician rather than a mental health professional. As a result, many are often unaware of other alternative and evidence based treatments that might be more appropriate and more effective (I.e. cognitive behavioral therapy).  Dr. Steven Hollon, a psychology professor at Vanderbilt University has conducted extensive research on the  effectiveness of  antidepressants and states “if people knew more, I think they would be a little less likely to go down the  medication path than the psychosocial treatment path.”

Sobering Stats

According to industry data, the use of prescription medication has increased by 22 percent from 2001 to 2010, making one out of 5 adults in the U.S. taking at least one psychotropic medication.  Antipsychotics, antidepressants, and medication to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are the most prescribed.  In 1987, Prozac (fluoxetine) was introduced to society and was quickly embraced by the medical community due to its fewer side effects compared to other available antidepressants at the time.  Since the launch of Prozac, the use of antidepressants quadrupled in the United States.  According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) data, today more than 1 in 10 Americans are taking antidepressants, making antidepressants the second  most commonly prescribed drug in the United States, right below cholesterol lowering drugs.  Recent research has indicated antidepressants are not as effective as many people believe, especially for those suffering from mild depression.  It is estimated that at least 50 percent of those being treated with antidepressants are not directly getting active pharmacological effects, but results are due to the placebo effect. Research by Irving Kirsch, PhD, also indicates limited efficacy for those suffering from severe depression.  (PLoS Medicine, 2008).  Steven Paul, MD, a neuroscientist states “Medication treatment is but one way to treat depression.  It’s not necessarily the best way or the only way”.  Psychotherapy can be just as effective as antidepressants for many individuals.  Psychotherapy doesn’t have the risk of side effects as medications and has a lower instance of relapse.  Studies show patients with moderate to severe depression who received cognitive behavior therapy were less likely to relapse back into major depression than patients who were treated with medication alone and stopped treatment.

Most antidepressants are prescribed by primary care physicians who often have limited training and experience in treating mental health disorders.  As a result many individuals are not aware of alternative treatment options and the psychotropic medication is often the only treatment option offered.  It must also be noted, due to insurance reimbursement, it is much easier for medical doctors to obtain reimbursement for drug treatment than therapy.  “There is also a huge financial incentive for psychiatrists to prescribe instead of doing psychotherapy. You can make two, three, four times as much money being a prescriber than a therapist.  The vicious cycle here is that as psychiatrists limit their practice primarily to prescribing, they lose their therapy skills by attrition and do even less therapy” states Daniel Carlat, MD, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Tufts University and author of the 2010 book “Unhinged:  The Trouble with Psychiatry”.  The pharmaceutical industry has also been very successful in marketing and advertising the psychotropic drugs to physicians and the public. We see the ads on TV and in our magazines, failing to notice the lack of adequate information about the side effects.  As a result of this mass marketing, many individuals request the drug by name when they visit their primary care physicians.  The end result of all this mass marketing to the people has increased the level of comfort we all have with medications.  Currently we are seeing more people being prescribed antipsychotic medications to treat various mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression, dementia, and insomnia under off-label prescription, meaning using the drugs for what they were not initially intended for.  Many of these drugs are being prescribed with uncertain scientific evidence and supporting research.  Of significant concern is the use of these powerful drugs with our children, elderly, and foster kids.  In some cases, even infants have been prescribed psychotropic drugs without any scientific evidence supporting their use.  In a recent health care fraud settlement, the largest in the history of the U.S., the makers of the popular antidepressant Paxil were found guilty of promoting the use of Paxil and Wellbutrin for children under the age of 18 without the approval of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA).  They were ordered to pay $3 Billion in the fraud settlement.

What Are The Choices??

Due to the stigma of therapy and mental illness in the Muslim community, many Muslims inappropriately treat physical symptoms related to mental illness with medication.  Many simply want a pill in order to “make it all go away”.  Members of the Muslim community, especially the elders, often trust what a physician tells them without becoming fully informed of the choices available to them.  Others, due to recent immigration or unfamiliarity with the language and culture, simply don’t understand enough to make informed choices.  Lack of familiarity with therapy and mental health professionals also limit the choice to the primary care physician.   So what are your choices?

• Seek medical treatment to rule out a physical disorder or disease.
• If you are otherwise physically healthy, individual therapy can help.  Individual Therapy often involves talk therapy with a trained mental health professional such as a psychologist, social worker, counselor, or a marriage and family therapist.  Therapists help individuals identify the source of their troubles and help them learn new coping behaviors and change their negative thinking patterns.  Many physical symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomach aches, joint pains, and lack of energy are often associated with mental illness and oftentimes, treating the source of the problem will resolve the physical symptoms.  Therapy involves commitment but the effects far outweigh the use of medication alone without the unnecessary side effects.  Initially learning how to stop a negative thought pattern or learning new coping strategies might seem overwhelming but with the help of a therapist, these skills become second nature.
• Diet and Exercise:  It’s no surprise that a lifestyle of poor diet and exercise impacts our physical as well as mental well being.  Food can play a major role in our overall health and well being.  If you are constantly feeding your body junk food, don’t be surprised if it begins to feel sluggish and depressed.  We put more thought into the type of gas we put in our vehicles than we do with the quality of  food we put in our bodies.  Fast food is cheap for a reason.  It lacks nutrition and substance, leaving you unsatisfied, therefore making you eat more of it.  Eating whole foods such as vegetables, fruit, whole grains, nuts and seeds, as well as drinking water will energize your body and mind.  Avoid excessive caffeine and limit your sugar intake.  The mental fog you often feel with eating junk food will clear out once you replace your unhealthy eating habits with a cleaner, more whole diet.  Exercise also plays a key role in helping us feel better mentally as well as physically.  Simply walking as if you are in a hurry, 20-30 minutes a day, can have a significant positive impact on reducing symptoms of depression.  Yoga also has been scientifically proven to significantly reduce the symptoms of depression.
• Limit your exposure to violence on TV and limit watching the news. Watch comedies and funny shows to uplift your mood.  Turn off the TV and electronics at least 30 minutes before going to bed in order to ensure a good nights sleep.
• Improve your social skills and remove toxic relationships out of your life.  Oftentimes we are surrounded by so much negativity and hostility with the people in our lives, we end up internalizing the angst which leads to feeling emotionally overwhelmed.  Either remove yourself from such toxic environments or cut ties with toxic individuals. Do you have a friend that is always making you feel bad about yourself?  It’s time you evaluate the value of this friendship on your life?  What is making you stay in the relationship?  What is stopping you from making a friend that is caring and respectful?  Sometimes we cannot cut the ties with certain individuals such as our parents or relatives but we can change our reaction to them.  Learn alternative and more effective ways to handle the difficult people in your life .  Learn how to communicate your needs and express your feelings.  Repressed feelings don’t just go away because you are bottling them up.  They will show up in some other form when you least expect it but oftentimes you may not recognize the direct connection.  Many physical ailments are a result of repressed emotions.  Start with writing in your journal and get all these feelings out.  If you can’t tell the person directly, you can at least get the feelings out of yourself by channeling them in the journal.  No need to carry unnecessary burdens.  You can also talk to a trusted friend or family member, talk to your pet (sounds weird but it can be therapeutic), or talk to a counselor or therapist.
• Remove toxic chemicals from your life.  Reduce your exposure to everyday chemicals such as room sprays, plastic water bottles, non-stick cookware, over-processed foods, pesticides on fruits and vegetables, toxic paint and asbestos in your homes, and toxic chemicals that line cans of food. Replace your plastic water bottle with glass or stainless steel, use natural essential oils instead of toxic room sprays to deodorize your home, avoid canned food by choosing fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables, and avoid cheap toys that may expose your children to lead paint.  All these steps can lead to better mental and physical health. Please see here  for more information
• Avoid nicotine and chewing tobacco as well as other drugs and alcohol.  Many individuals that rely on such substances are in actuality self medicating their emotional pain.  Getting high is an escape from the pain.  Instead of self medicating, get treated for your addictions and start living a more healthy lifestyle.  Get therapy to treat the underlying emotional pain in your life.
• Educate yourself about supplements.  Fish oil has been linked to better emotional as well as physical well being.  Due to the abundance of overprocessed food, we are currently a society lacking in Omega 3 fatty acids and we need to supplement with fish oil.  Our brains and bodies need Omega 3 fatty acids for optimal performance.
• Naturally boost the feel good hormone Serotonin in your brain.  Serotonin improves our mood but our brain is often lacking in serotonin due to poor diet, lack of exercise, and excessive stress in our lives.  You can naturally boost the serotonin levels  in your brain through diet and exercise.  Certain foods such as bananas, beets, brown rice, cottage cheese, salmon, sunflower seeds and turkey help boost the serotonin levels of your brain.  Supplements such as  5HTP and  St. John’s Wort are 2 supplements that have been used to treat mild to moderate depression naturally.
• Get a massage or acupuncture treatment to reduce the stress and anxiety from your life.  Acupuncture has proven beneficial for treating depression as well.  Chamomile, lemon balm, and Valerian also help calm our anxiety and promote rest and relaxation.  Use essential oils to uplift your mood.  Peppermint oil and orange oil have an energizing effect on the mind while lavender has a calming effect.  Meditate and spent 5 minutes after your morning prayer to do zikhr or simply sit in silence.
• Consider medication and seek psychiatric treatment.  If you have tried the options above and continue to suffer from the symptoms of a mental health disorder, seek psychiatric treatment from a trained mental health professional such as a psychiatrist.  A full evaluation should be conducted prior to writing a prescription.  Always be sure to get a second opinion.  Consider all of your options and really understand the pros and cons of the medications.  Ask questions and be fully informed prior to accepting the prescription.  Medication almost always works best with therapy and continued support from a mental health professional. The medication can ease the symptoms in the short term but the skills learned in therapy can have long term benefits.

“You can believe the diagnosis but never believe the prognosis”-Deepak Chopra

The intent of this article is not to steer you away from medication but to empower you to be fully informed about all your options before using any prescription medication.  Although the focus of this article is about using medication to treat mental illness, the pros and cons should be considered with medication regardless of the disorder.  The pharmaceutical companies are bombarding us with advertisements for prescriptions to treat every ailment, whether mild or severe.  There are so many preventive measures you can take prior to going down the road of medication but there are also many steps you can take to reduce your dependency on medication once you have already started.  There are countless accounts of individuals who have taken back control of their lives and reduced their dependence on medication regardless of diagnosis (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.).  Be empowered and make choices by being fully empowered.

BY SABA MALIK
www.MorningWind.org

Ah, Ramadan.

The month when the doors of the glorious gates of Jannah are wide open. The month when those hunger pangs bring us ever closer to our Creator.  The month when wonderful words roll off our tongues.

Umm, hold on a second.

I get the part about the heavenly gates and the hunger pangs, but I’m confused about the wonderful words…?  I don’t know if it’s just me but I seem to hear a lot of loathsome language during Ramadan. During this blessed month, the sneaky Shaytan is cuffed like a criminal, but then a new “monster” shows up in some of us: ourselves.

With raging hunger and thirst awaiting us this upcoming Ramadan during the hot summer month of July, our emotions may bring out the worst of us.  But they don’t have to. We can actually use these tough emotions to get closer to Allah by managing and even mastering them.  Without a doubt, one of the toughest emotions to handle while fasting is anger.

I get angry! So what?

Well, the believer who is conscious of Allah is one who restrains their anger.  Allah says in the Quran, “And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden whose width is that of the heavens and the Earth, prepared for the God-fearing. Who spend in times of ease and times of hardship and who restrain their anger and who pardon people. And Allah loves those who do good.” [Surah Al-Imran: 133-134]

We’ve all heard the advice the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, gave to a man who came to him.

Abu Hurayrah relates that a man said to the Prophet (peace be upon him): “Counsel me.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Do not get angry.” The man repeated his request many times, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) kept saying: “Do not get angry.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]

When I first tried to understand this hadith, I thought, “How strange. After all, repressing anger is bad for you, right?”

Wrong.

I recently learned of research that shows expressing anger and “letting it out” can actually be bad for you both physically and mentally.

“When people brood and ruminate about their anger, talk to others incessantly about how angry they are, or vent their feelings in hostile acts, their blood pressure shoots up, they often feel angrier, and they behave even more aggressively later than if they had just let their feelings of anger subside.” (Bushman et al., 2005; Travis, 1989)

Anger first starts off like a dry stick with a little spark. And each subsequent angry thought is like throwing another stick, drenched in kerosene, into the burning pile. The fire just keeps getting bigger and bigger until it burns you.

So how can we actually put out this anger flame and be those who restrain anger?

Experts in anger management therapies will teach you the ancient advice to count to 10 or count to a 100, but we have something better that can bring us closer to Allah.

When we’re feeling angry, we’re told to recite the ta’awudh, which is the prayer Muslims say to ward off Satan,  “A’udhu billahi min ash-Shaytan ir-rajeem.” I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan.

In addition to saying the ta’awwudh, you can try a distracting activity like making wudu or taking a walk.  You can even change your physical position like the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, advised us to do:

“If one of you gets angry and he is standing, then he should sit down until his anger subsides. If it does not, then he should lie down.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]

Changing our position helps us get out of that high arousal state that anger puts us in.

A second way to use anger to come closer to Allah is through reframing.

Reframing

Ever notice how different a picture looks when you change the frame around it. You can go from a traditional, rustic look to a modern, contemporary design in minutes just by changing the outline. You can do the same thing with an angry thought or situation. Let’s say you get mad at the sister standing next to you in salah because she whispers very loudly. You can reframe that situation and think that maybe she is so focused on her salah that she doesn’t even notice that the disturbance she is causing.  By the way, offering salah is a great reframing tool. It often gets you out of the angry situation and makes you realize how futile the fights of this world are.

Putting a new spin to the angry story your mind perpetuates also helps you move away from taking things personally. Maybe that person who cut you off, as you’re on your way to iftaar at your friend’s, didn’t see you. Give people the benefit of the doubt. And then watch yourself come closer to Allah through anger.

When Anger is Awesome

Sometimes anger is warranted. For example, getting angry when Allah’s laws are broken is plausible. Getting angry at an injustice can also be good when it motivates you to right the wrong.  But remember what Aristotle said, “Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way-this is not easy.”

So if you are going to express anger, remember to use the right words at the right time. Think carefully before you do or say anything so that you get the results you want.  Moreover, using the ta’awwudh to calm down and distract yourself doesn’t mean you are brushing the problem under the rug. No. It merely cools your mind so that you can think intelligently about the situation at hand.  The next time you get angry at iftaar time or during your fast, remember to say the ta’awwudh until you calm down. And then reframe the situation to get a better understanding of what’s going on.

May you always use anger to come closer to Allah.

The views of this guest post as well as all other guest posts do not necessarily represent the views of MH4M. We encourage and solicit guest posts to reflect the diversity of our readership and to bring to light the many mental health related issues faced by members of our community. For more information on bow to become a guest writer please click Guest Writer.

“For many people, one of the most frustrating aspects of life is not being able to understand other people’s behavior.”

All children, especially when tired, hungry, stressed or upset, can act oppositional from time to time.  This oppositional behavior might include arguing, talking back, disobeying, and defying their parents, teachers, and other adults.  Oppositional behavior can be a normal part of development for two to three year olds and early adolescents.  However, being openly uncooperative and hostile on a frequent and consistent basis becomes a serious concern, especially if it stands out when compared with other children of the same age and developmental level, and when it affects the child’s social, family and academic life. Although children can be difficult and challenging at times, if there is a persistent pattern of tantrums, arguing, and angry or disruptive behavior toward you and other authority figures, your child or teen may have Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).

Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is thought to be caused by a combination of psychological, biological, and social factors. A child’s natural disposition, along with lack of structure or parental supervision, inconsistent discipline practices, and exposure to abuse or community violence have been identified as factors, which may contribute to the development of ODD.

ODD typically occurs in families with a history of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), substance use disorders, or mood disorders such as depression or bipolar disorder.  Studies which have looked at brain images of children have suggested that children with ODD may have subtle differences in the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgment and impulse control. In psychological studies, findings have indicated children who display aggressive behavior have trouble correctly identifying and interpreting social cues from peers. The aggressive children tend to see neutral situations with children as being hostile. Children with ODD also tend to generate fewer solutions to problems while expecting to be rewarded for their aggressive responses. Children with oppositional defiant disorder may have trouble in school with teachers and may struggle to make and keep friends.  Due to this difficulty in reading social cues, children might inappropriately be identified as having Autism Spectrum Disorder.

For many children diagnosed with ODD, symptoms do improve over time. There is evidence through follow up studies that the signs and symptoms of ODD resolve within 3 years in approximately 67% of children diagnosed with the disorder. Research also indicates that approximately 30% of children with ODD eventually develop conduct disorder. The risk for developing conduct disorder is 3 times greater for children who were initially diagnosed at a very young age (e.g., preschool). ODD may also be a  precursor to other, more-severe problems such as substance abuse and severe delinquency.  Children diagnosed with ODD while in preschool are also likely to exhibit additional disorders several years later, including ADHD, anxiety, or mood disorders. Approximately 10% of children diagnosed with ODD will eventually develop a more lasting personality disorder, such as Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

What ODD Looks Like in Your Child:

At times it can be difficult to recognize the difference between a “strong-willed” or emotional child and one with oppositional defiance disorder. Although it’s normal to exhibit oppositional behavior at certain stages of a child’s development, there is a difference between the usual independence-seeking behavior of children and that of Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

Symptoms of ODD may include:

• Frequent temper tantrums
• Excessive arguing with adults
• Often questioning rules
• Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
• Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
• Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
• Frequent anger and resentment
• Mean and hateful talking when upset
• Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

The symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at home or at school.  One to sixteen percent of all school-age children and adolescents have ODD. Many parents report that their child with ODD was more rigid and demanding than the child’s siblings from an early age.  Signs of ODD are generally present before a child is 8 years old. Although ODD can sometimes develop later, it’s almost always present before the early teen years. When ODD behavior develops, the signs tend to begin gradually and then worsen over months or years.

A child may be displaying signs of ODD instead of normal moodiness if the behaviors are persistent, have lasted at least 6 months, and are clearly disrupting the family or home environment.

DSM-IV Criteria for oppositional defiance disorder to be diagnosed include a pattern of behavior that lasts at least six months and includes at least four of the following:

• Often loses temper
• Often argues with adults
• Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules
• Often deliberately annoys people
• Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
• Is often angry and resentful
• Is often spiteful or vindictive

It’s important to remember a child diagnosed with ODD isn’t likely to see his or her behavior as defiant. Instead, they will probably believe that unreasonable demands are being placed on them.

Treatment Options

As a parent, you might feel overwhelmed in trying to manage your child’s behaviors related to ODD.  You might be reluctant to accept the diagnosis of ODD for fear it might reflect negatively on your parenting skills.  It’s important to realize there is a combination of factors involved in a child developing ODD.  Instead of focusing on what you might’ve done wrong, turn your focus instead on how you can move ahead and get your child the help he/she needs. The earlier this disorder can be managed, the better for you and your child.  Treatment can help restore your child’s self-esteem and rebuild a positive relationship between you and your child. Your child’s relationships with others in his or her life also will benefit from early treatment. Medical Doctors, Psychologists, and child development experts can help.

There is no single treatment for children with ODD. Treatment of ODD involves therapy, training to help build positive family interactions, and possibly the use of medications to treat related mental health conditions.  The most effective treatment plan will need to be individualized to the needs of each child and their families. It’s important to note treatment must be delivered for an adequate period of time (at least 6 months or longer) and may require follow up sessions.  Treatment will often include both individual and family therapy and the therapist may need to develop a plan to work with your child’s school and classroom teacher.  Teaching the child appropriate problem solving skills training along with family interventions such as parent management training and school based interventions have been found to be the most effective forms of treatment. During the parent management training, parents learn more-effective parenting techniques, which lead to improvement in the quality of the parent-child relationship and decreased problem behaviors. Your child might also benefit from social skills training that will help him or her learn how to interact more positively and effectively with peers. Social skills training will also increase flexibility and improve social skills and frustration tolerance with peers.

Medications alone generally aren’t used for ODD unless another disorder co-exists.  Medication may be included as part of the treatment if the child is also diagnosed with ADHD, depression, or anxiety.  It’s important to diagnose and treat any co-occurring illnesses because they can create or worsen irritability and defiance if left untreated.

Questions to consider when meeting with your medical doctor or mental health professional

• What are your concerns about your child’s behavior?
• When did you first notice these problems?
• Have your child’s teachers or other caregivers reported similar behaviors in your child?
• How often over the last six months has your child been spiteful or vindictive, or blamed others for his or her own mistakes?
• How often over the last six months has your child been touchy, easily annoyed or deliberately annoying to others?
• How often over the last six months has your child argued with adults or defied or refused adults’ requests?
• How often over the last six months has your child been visibly angry or lost his or her temper?
• Do any particular situations seem to trigger negative or defiant behavior in your child?
• How have you been handling your child’s disruptive behavior?
• How do you typically discipline your child?
• How would you describe your child’s home and family life?
• What stresses has the family been dealing with?
• Has your child been diagnosed with any other medical conditions, including mental health conditions?

Effective Parent Management Techniques

Although the following parent management techniques may seem like common sense, learning to use them in the face of opposition isn’t easy, especially if there are other stressors at home. Learning these skills will require consistent practice and patience. Most important in treatment is for you to show consistent, unconditional love and acceptance of your child — even during difficult and disruptive situations. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This process can be tough for even the most patient parents!

At first, your child probably won’t be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his or her behavior. Expect that you’ll have setbacks and relapses, and be prepared with a plan to manage those times. In fact, behavior can temporarily worsen when new limits and expectations are set. However, with perseverance and consistency, the initial hard work often pays off with improved behavior and relationships. Many children with ODD will respond to the positive parenting techniques.

Effective strategies to decrease ODD behaviors include:

• Give effective timeouts
• Model the behavior you want your child to have
• Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it
• Remain calm and unemotional in the face of opposition, or take your own timeout, if necessary
• Recognize and praise your child’s good behaviors and positive characteristics. Be as specific as possible, such as, “I really liked the way you helped pick up your toys tonight.”
• Offer acceptable choices to your child, giving him or her a certain amount of control
• Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences. Limit consequences to those that can be consistently reinforced and if possible, last for a limited amount of time
• Establish a schedule for the family that includes specific meals that will be eaten at home together, and specific activities one or both parents will do with the child
• Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your child. Asking your child to help develop that routine may be beneficial.
• Work with your partner or others in your household to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.
• Assign your child a household chore that’s essential and that won’t get done unless the child does it. Initially, it’s important to set your child up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve and gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations. Give clear, easy-to-follow instructions.

Importance of Parent Self Care!

Being the parent of a child with ODD isn’t easy. Counseling for you can provide you with an outlet for your frustrations and concerns. In turn, this can lead to better outcomes for your child because you’ll be more prepared to deal with problem behaviors. Here are some tips to help you:

• Learn ways to calm yourself. Keeping your own cool models the behavior you want from your child.
• Take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise and spend some time away from your child to restore your energy.
• Be forgiving. Let go of things that you or your child did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate.
• Seek the help of a mental health professional to help you deal with your frustrations.

Support in School for Children with ODD

Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is one of two pediatric behavioral disorders defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV (DSM IV) that are included in the Federal IDEA definition of “Behavioral Disturbances.” While not as serious as a Conduct Disorder, which tends to include aggression and property destruction, ODD as a behavioral disorder, still compromises a student’s ability to succeed academically and develop meaningful relationships with peers and teachers.

Students diagnosed with ODD can receive instruction in the general education settings if it is determined that the disorder does not prevent him/her from participating fully in the general education classroom. It is also possible that students with ODD who are receiving academic instruction in programs for Emotional Disturbances (ED) can manage their own behavior to the point where they can be successfully integrated into the general education classrooms.

Although all students benefit from classroom settings with structure and clear expectations, for students diagnosed with ODD, it is critical that structure is clear, explicit and above all consistent (regardless of setting).  Consideration to classroom organization for kids with ODD should be made (e.g. Seating arrangements that put children into clusters of 4 may be fine in settings where children are raised with high expectations, but creates too many opportunities for disruptive behavior for students with ODD). Students with ODD often use seating arrangements as occasions for work avoidance than about interpersonal dynamics or angst. Seating arranged in rows or pairs work better for student with ODD.

Effective classroom strategies for students with ODD

• Importance of Routines: Rather than rules, routines make expectations clear in a way that is value neutral, especially if the teacher can stay cool and collected. Instead of having a rule that says: “Never get out of line,” teachers can have a routine that the class practices such as getting into line, walking without touching or bothering neighbors, and getting quickly and quietly from point A to point B in school.  Establishing routines means being pro-active, and planning thoroughly what the classroom expectations will be.

• Importance of Reinforcements: Teacher must pay attention to the things students like or think are important. Positive behavior contracts can be set up with the child and their input determines the types of reinforcements they will work for. Students can earn time listening to music in a quiet corner or earn free time on the computer to play educational games by completing academic tasks or earning points for appropriate behavior.  Reinforcements can also include earning stickers and a positive note home.  They do not need to be elaborate in order to be effective.

• Importance of being Calm, Cool, and Collected as the Teacher:  The function of the behavior associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder is often to engage people in authority in a tug of war or power play. The most important thing is not to engage in a battle no one will win.