10.) Marriage: Losing a Sense of Self?
Differentiation involves changing the way we think about marriage: Instead of seeing it as the merging of two people into one, as has often been taught, we must learn to maintain a sense of ourselves as distinct from our partner in order to become closer to him/her. – David Schnarch
Many Muslim couples struggling with their marriage admit that prior to the marriage they held the belief that in order to make the marriage a success, they needed to adopt their spouse’s interests and consequently lose some of their own. Some go in to counseling feeling frustrated with the marriage because they assert that, “they gave up everything” for their spouse. Read More…
9.) Overwhelmed By Guilt?
“How blunt are all the arrows of thy quiver in comparison with those of guilt”. -Robert Blair
Guilt is one of the most powerful of human emotions. It can motivate one to seek redemption or it can leave one feeling hopeless; it can set one on a path of true renewal and change or on a dangerous and dark path of depression and moral decline. Feelings of guilt can surface for a number of different reasons. One may feel guilt after disappointing or hurting a loved one. A teenager who disobeys his/her parent or a spouse who betrays their partner may struggle with serious feelings of guilt both during and after their indiscretions. Guilt can also emerge from having negative feelings or thoughts about others, which are undeserved, such as being jealous of someone’s success. Perhaps the most demoralizing form is extreme guilt that can afflict someone after committing a sin or a serious moral offense. The one suffering from this type of guilt is not just feeling deep regret for his/her wrongs but they are in fact overwhelmed with despair, hopelessness, and self-loathing. Read More…
8.) Parenting Styles: Is Friendship Too Much of a Good Thing?
“It’s better to leave your children self-sufficient than to leave them on the mercy of others.” -Prophet Muhammad (Tirmidhi)
Today’s parents are struggling to balance the fine line of being best friends with their children while at the same time setting limits and enforcing rules. Due to the “therapization” of society, many parents today feel a deep sense of inadequacy in their role as parents and are unsure about the best way to raise their children. They understand the negative consequences of using physical punishment to deal with inappropriate behavior but are unsure about the best way to raise a well disciplined child while at the same time being emotionally close to their children. Read More…
7.) Child Abuse in the Muslim Community
Child abuse is the dirty little secret no one wants to talk about yet in many homes across the world, it’s as prevalent today as it was centuries ago. According to www.childhelp.org, “Over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children. In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations.” According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “Worldwide, approximately 40 million children are subjected to child abuse each year (WHO, 20014)”. In Islam, we are taught to be gentle with our children and Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) was the best example of this. He would take children in his arms and embrace them. He was once hugging his beloved grandsons, Hasan and Hussain (peace be upon them), when Aqrah bin Haabis told him, ‘I have got ten children. So far, I have not kissed any of them.’ The Prophet (peace be upon him) responded: “The one with no pity for others is not pitied.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim). In this way he was particularly compassionate towards children. When he saw a child crying, he sat beside him or her and talked with them, encouraging them to share their feelings. He also felt the pain of a mother for her child more than the mother herself. Once he said: “I stand in prayer and wish to prolong it. However, I hear the cry of a child and cut the prayer short for the anxiety which the mother is feeling.” (Al-Bukhari). Read More…
6.) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Scrupulosity
“He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” – Arabian Proverb
Wikipedia defines scrupulosity as a psychological disorder “characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning”. Religious practice and devotion are not necessarily the cause of scrupulosity. Scrupulosity is considered a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD can occur in different forms. There are a variety of different types of obsessions and compulsions. The nature of intensity of these symptoms may vary over time. In some cases, aggressive, sexual and religious obsessions can occur together in the same individual. Read More…
5.) A Mother’s Reflection of Grief & Loss in Islam
“Whoever finds love beneath hurt and grief disappears into emptiness with a thousand new disguises.” Rumi
In 1999 I embraced Islam. The journey to Islam was long and experiential. I became involved with Westernized Sufism prior to Islam for many years, studying various methods to work on myself and dabbling in teachings that seemed to “fit” my lifestyle. Embracing Islam in 1999 came as a great blessing from Allah: Those whom Allah wants to guide He opens their breast to Islam, (Quran 6:125). I didn’t know it at the time, but my conversion prepared me for the incredible hardship that lied ahead for me: the losses of my two sons in 2002 and 2006. Ironically enough, they both died from “accidental deaths”. They were very close in age and the losses for me were profound tests of patience and forbearance in a time of extreme grief and questions of “why” did this have to happen? Read More…
4.) The Truth About Domestic Violence
“If the numbers we see in domestic violence were applied to terrorism or gang violence, the entire country would be up in arms, and it would be the lead story on the news every night.” – Mark Green
The amount of abuse that happens in Muslim households today has increased dramatically. It is an unfortunate reality that has been hidden and ignored for far too long in our community. There is no excuse for this or any type of abuse in Islam, yet we continue to see women coming into counseling who are petrified to go back to their homes. If there are children, they almost always know about the abuse and have often witnessed it. Not only has it destroyed Muslim families but it has also weakened the Muslim community. In 2000, the North American Council for Muslim Women reported that approximately 10 % of Muslim women were emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by their husbands. Islam came to liberate the woman, not confine her to one space and take away her rights and dignity. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “I recommend that you treat women with goodness. The best of you are those who treat their wives the best.” Read More…
3.) 25 Signs Your Relationship is in Serious Trouble, Part I
In no particular order of precedence, the following list includes observations I have made in over ten years of helping couples with their relationships. Please take each item on the list with deep consideration and thought and do not jump to conclusions on the sole basis of what you read below; no one knows your relationship better than you. Read More…
2.) When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community
According to a Soundvision survey conducted in 2010: “If you attended six Muslim weddings this summer, chances are that two will end up in divorce sooner or later!” That might sound like a shocking statistic, but sadly, right now I can think of two recent marriages that are already on the verge of divorce. So according to this study, as of the late 1990s, the North American Muslim divorce rate stands at 31.14 percent. Incompatibility was the most cited reason for divorce (16.38%), followed by abuse (13.12%), financial disputes (10.41%), family / in-laws interference (10.20%), sexual infidelity / adultery (8.79%), and others. When they added the results of “religious incompatibility” to the general “incompatibility” factor, it came out to 25.71%. So, basically 1/3 of our marriages are ending in divorce and 1/4th of those are because of incompatibility, specifically, religious incompatibility. Read More…
1.) 10 Ways To Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person
There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Read More…