Guest Contributor
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
You could have hit me upside my head a 1000 times and I would have been unaware of it all. My mind was detached from consciousness leaving my body unable to function. I could not eat on my own, walk on my own and I was verbally unresponsive. I was comatose and for a month’s time I have no memories of my own. You might be wondering what could cause such a state? A severe case of Bipolar Disorder. There is a dark angle to this story yet I must share it with you, and when the story is finished I pray you will be enlightened.
At the age of fourteen, my future was bright. I was a straight A student, a well-liked president of my class and a participant in a plethora of after-school activities. I was confident, determined and, in my mind, headed straight to Harvard in four years. Allah had different plans for me. Sophomore year, I had to leave private school and transfer to a public school that was three times the size of my precious former school. I was unprepared for how it would, by design, chew me up and spit me out. I was ostracized at my new school. I was the “know it all” black girl who came from an uppity private school and I was not received well. I tried to fit in, but was unable to fit into a place that was not made to fit me. I was swallowed up by the rejection of my peers. I found myself very alone in a state of cultural shock. I didn’t have any friends and would spend the majority of the school day talking to no one. I quickly became depressed and things spiraled out of control.
In order to cope, I started acting out. I found a home in the “bad crowd”. I started skipping school, doing drugs, stealing and lying incessantly. I experienced many sleepless nights and my thoughts would race in an uncontrollable battle. I didn’t want to keep doing the things I was doing; the things I knew Allah didn’t want me to do, but I couldn’t stop. I was a tortured soul. I didn’t know the erratic state I was experiencing had a name. It was Mania. The state of mind that accompanies the Depression found in the Bipolar illness. My parents thought something was wrong with me and sent me to the therapist, but it was useless. I was so confused and couldn’t voice the currents of inner turmoil that were afflicting me. It was a turmoil I saw eating away at my soul; a turmoil no one else could see.
Towards the end of my breakdown period, I started running away habitually. The last time I ran away the police became involved and I had to go to court. In court, I declared that I wanted to divorce my family and live as a ward of the state in foster care. My parents were disgusted with me, but they had no idea how disgusted I was by me. I wanted to leave my family because I felt like I didn’t deserve their love. So in the end they let me go to teach me a lesson. I regrettably went.
I stayed in foster care for about a month. It wasn’t the worst of places or the best of places. In my tortured state, I would cry to go home every day and when I arrived home I felt like the lesson was learned. I felt like I could miraculously do better this time, but once again Allah had different plans for me. In no time, I experienced scary hallucinations. I would see animals (snakes and alligators) in me and feel them move in serpent like patterns. My parents told me I was talking about being dead and in Hell along with the hallucinations for about two weeks before my mind and body shut down. In the hospital, it took the doctors some time to reach a proper diagnosis. In the early nineties, hallucinations with Bipolar Disorder were very rare. The comatose state troubled the doctors as well. They had never seen a case so severe in a person so young. They pumped my body with thirty pills a day in order to bring me out of the comatose state. I stayed on thirty pills for about five years too long. I was over-medicated and the medications had devastating side effects that worsened with time. I suffered from hair loss, 100 pound weight gain, hand tremors and eye seizures; returning to life was just the beginning.
My rebirth was the beginning to uncertainty and never knowing if my past would repeat itself again. It was the beginning to living a life that was held captive by debilitating side effects. I was told by doctors that I never would have to be that sick again if I took the thirty pills. So you could imagine how hard it was for me to challenge this theory, but I did. I did because I believed that Allah would answer my prayers for relief. I started researching my array of pills and discovered that I was, in some cases, taking triple the amount of pills for the same symptoms. So I asked the doctors why and I started to ask more questions and more questions until it was clear that I wasn’t going to stand for being their guinea pig anymore. I started to pay attention to my symptoms. I would journal improvement or lack of improvement. I became my best advocate and Allah paved the way. I had insurance issues and had to change doctors. My new doctor was more willing to change the medicine. This happened a couple of times before I found myself on only 6 pills rather than thirty, then three and eventually down to one over a ten year span. With the decrease of the pills, I found it easier to lose weight. I actually became stable and my illness went into remission, which is when symptoms become significantly reduced or disappear and no longer impact your life. My faith in Allah gave me the courage to fight for stability and freedom from the weight of side effects. This was not an easy fight, but I believed to my core that Allah would protect me.
Despite everything, I always knew I came back for a reason, Allah’s reason. I experienced my darkest days to share the promise of light given to us every day. I never forgot Allah and His promise to us all. His promise that with every difficulty there is relief ( Qu’ran Sura 94), and He gives us no burden greater than what our hearts can bear (Qur‘an Sura 2). Today, I am no longer on thirty pills. I am a mother of a beautiful four year old, a graduate of Mount Holyoke College, and an author, Al-Hamdulillah. My memoir, “She Smiles and Cries”, utilizes poetry and prose to highlight my teenage breakdown and critical aspects of recovery. I have shared my journey with mental illness to inspire others. I pray all who read this article will feel inspired. More importantly, I pray you will remember that we all have the capacity to rise above pain… to smile after we cry, MashAllah.
Editors Note: Although it is important to fully educate yourself about all of your treatment options and make an informed decision about the medications you are being prescribed, psychotropic medications should never be adjusted without the help of a trained medical professional. Stopping medication on your own can have severe consequences.
For more information about bipolar, please visit http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/
Also download a Qur’an recitation app onto your phone if you don’t already have one and listen everywhere you go, play continually in your room day and night. Suban’Allah this is one of the greatest helpers to remove many of the effects Bipolar disorder plays on us, instead putting us back in order Insha’Allah
Asalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakahu,
Mash’Allah, keep your faith with Allah Subana Wa Ta’ala and know you are not alone. I have been surviving bipolar for 31 years and I know your very real and at times dibilitating struggle. In my opinion you are taking to many drugs as I once was also and can do more harm then good, although I am not a doctor this is just my personal opinion on that.
I have seen various psychiatrists over 31 years and most put me on so many drugs I was a walking zombie because of our daily natural chemical change, our diet, exercise, and other factors that will play on these cocktails so we never stabilize. Then when we miss a dose or go off one, or two or all of them, again more complications of withdrawal from our system.
Suban’Allah I was referred to one psychiatrist finally after 25 years who specialized in Bipolar disorder and when he saw my chart of the cocktails of medication I was put on he was shocked. He gave me only Effexor and Seroquel, and the Seroquel to take only when I felt mania set in. He was also a cognitive therapist. I do not see him anymore as I moved but I am in cognitive therapy for the past 4 months, Suban’Allah is helping. I am off Effexor since two years ago and was on Seroquel but now for past two weeks my new psychiatrist started me on Abilify but I do not like it and the side effects are not good. Insha’Allah I will find the right combination again with this Dr., meanwhile I work in weekly cognitive therapy with my social worker, Alhamdulillah, this has been a blessing.
I am a recent revert and if it wasn’t for the mercy of Allah Subana Wa Ta’ala calling me to Islam and Muslim way of life two years ago I fear where I would be today but the Bipolar is still a daily struggle of course.
“Verily with hardship comes ease.” 94:6
“Allah is enough for us, and He is the best Guardian and helper” [Bukari] At the most stressful times if you repeat this hadith for however long it takes this Insha’Allah will make a world of difference for you and reading the Qur’an everyday especially. If you don’t already do this, read Qur’an daily even if for 5 minutes (if this is all time you have) put into your Fajr prayer, even if is one or two ayats everyday reading continual from the Qur’an the more the better as long as you are holding this miraclous book in your hands and hold against your heart as you recite Al Fatihah. While in prostration place beside you and pick up and hold against you within your folded arms each time you get back up to begin your next raka.. Either start reading from each Surah as was revealed or begin at Al Baqarah, and when you finish reading the Qur’an, begin again. This has been my strongest survival technique. No drug, no weapon is more powerful then the words of Allah Subana Wa Ta’ala and the lessons and stories written for us to reflect on in our daily lives.
“There is a cure for every disease. A medical remedy best suited to that disease cures one at Allah’s command” [Muslim]
“Ya my beloved Allah, Shifa is in Your hands
Ya Allah, we know that there is effect in duaa and there is effect in medication , but O Allah, shifa is in Your hands.
Ya Allah, we know that there is effect in dua’a and there is effect in medication, but O Allah, Shifa is in Your hands.
Ya Allah, we know that sometimes sickness is a rahmat and a blessing in a disguised form, but we are extremely weak.
O Allah (please do) rectify all the Muslim’s affairs that are wrong.
Ya Allah make us to walk on the right and proper path of Islam.
Surely you have power over all things.
Ameen Ya Allah”
Please make a strong prayer on my behalf that faith in Allah’s promises be restored in my heart. Please pray that all my prayers for this month are granted, and Allah relieve me of my negativity by eliminating all the present hurdles in my life.
ASSALAMU ALIKUM
I am a post graduate student and sporadically face the problem of emotional disturbances. I consulted an Islamic therapist and he says there is nothing wrong with me. At times I also feel the same. But on many occasions loss my mood to do things and negative thoughts follow. Now for the last two weeks I have been suffering from this. Formerly I had this problem some one and half years back and with ALLAH’s abundant blessings I completely recovered and returned to normalcy. Your experiences gives me great strength and fortitude to face these adverse days in my life. Hoping your prayer for a speedy recovery from all my worries.
Thank you so much for the story. It gives me a perspective I did not have before on the disorder.
My father struggles from the disorder and it is difficult as he does not have the foundation of Islam to guide him. Of course without this foundation he does not recognize that Allah is there to support Him if he will accept that.
Dawah and bipolar disorder is definitely a challenge, but Insha’Allah one day he will recognizing that the cure is not just a physical one (taking pills) but also a spiritual one.
I was on bipolar meds (about 3 pills a day) for over a decade, but I stopped for various reasons. I do a lot more dhikr and read quran & translation & pray every day and it’s ramadan so this is the first time im fasting in years. Someone said this is the age of mental instability due to having left the remembrance of Allah. I make that my medicine now, my priority, even if I don’t feel it, I have to do dhikr, like a prescription. I feel totally normal alhamdulillah for about 2 months now, no rage outbursts at all. I think fasting is keeping me stable, plus my marriage & home life are stable now too alhamdulillah.
Sure. As long as we are cited and there is a link back to the original article posted. Thank you!
Is it okay to insert a portion of this on my web site if I post a reference point to this web site?
SubhanAllah – thank you for sharing. InshaAllah your story and others like it will inspire us to turn to Allah and to help educate and encourage other Muslims. Thank you for timely reminder that Allah is always there for us.
MasyaAllah. Thank you for sharing your story. May Allah grant you every form of goodness in this world and the hereafter, Aameen!
Salam alikum Sister:
Thank you for sharing your story. I have a Muslim friend who I suspect is Schizophrenic. I know that people in the Muslim community have deserted her or see her symptoms as a sign of moral weakness. I cannot dessert her. Allah swt put her in my life for a reason. Now my child is being tested for serious problems, and I can say that Allah swt puts people in our lives for a reason. I’m sorry that your journey took so long, but I’m sure it made you stronger. May Allah bless you.
Thank you so for sharing your experience. You display a great deal of strength and resilience. May Allah bless you inshAllah.
Allhumdullah, Im so happy to hear that you are better now. I really do feel that people in the muslim community need organizations such as MH4M. People don’t understand that mental health and physical health are both equally important.