There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:
1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
- Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
- Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
- Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.
- Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
- You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
- The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
- Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
- Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
- Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
- Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:
- Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
- Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.
8 ) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:
- Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
- Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!
Additional Points to Consider:
- The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
- Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
- Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
- Be flexible. Be open-minded!
- Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
- Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
subhanallah.. such a great article.
can i share this in my blog with translation in my language?
i will back up the link to this site.
jazakumullah lkhayr!
Jazaakumullahu khayran, I am happy to see that there is a such service for Muslim families online.
the information you are giving here so important, so the website need to run in many languages
At the same time one has to focus on improving and having all the qualities one is looking for in a partner. Its so true that it is not a one way street. Do not look only for what the other person has but also what are you bringing to the partnership and whether those qualities are as enduring as you would like your partner’s qualities to be. Know that there will be change and embrace change that contributes to the health and growth of the partnership.
maan sha’Allah, who needs relationship coach, when you can easily apply these amazing advice to your personal life. I’ll definitely be sharing it with people.
I have been divorced for 10 years now. I always considered myself to be a good husband, understanding etc. I was married for 12 years. I know I am far from perfect however I was confident, not a perfectionist. Yet after reading the above I think I may have some major issues wrong with me, it is hard to tell, I may just be imagining it. Such a pain, I think I am emotionally balanced but after reading this I think I may be cold, who knows are articles like this really helpful they just make me feel as if I am unworthy.
Really good article. Speaking from experience I’d like to remind all brothers and sisters to know the family well before getting married ! And don’t be fooled by gifts, character is the most important thing
I’d add something important to the “Other Considerations” part: Insist on a pre-marital STD test. (And submit to one yourself, obviously, if you’re asking for one.)
This article was written and edited by our staff members and was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A. We clearly mentioned this at the end of the article to give the Rabbi proper credit for his work. We see absolutely nothing wrong with using both Muslim and non-Muslim resources to develop our content.
Have you noticed this was written by a Rabbi? (Jewish minister)Why is such an article by a Jew posted for the well being of a Muslim? Putting on my coke bottle glasses. GASP!!!
What happened to you in your past should not define your happiness in the future. The feeling of betrayal by a loved one is deep and painful but you can work through it and heal your way back to happiness. Please consider seeking some professional mental health assistance in overcoming this devastating experience.
your article has been helpful…if i may ask,is their any councelling for muslims before marriage as our counterpart does before gettin married?which to know.masallam
It’s nice article and I understand that I made the biggest mistake ever in my life by making a decision of getting married very quickly, once she accepted my proposal. Finally she left me like nothing for another man and I saw only the dark side of marriage. Now I do not believe that relationship and afraid of getting married again. I want to restore my happy life and me myself, forgetting evrything.
You should really look into the reasons you are not emotionally committed. Going through the checklist provided in the post is helpful in getting some answers or at least start the questioning. Is the real problem with your expectations and are they based on the mythical version of love rather than the realistic version? Begin to ask yourself some honest questions and give yourself the opportunities to answer the questions honestly. Please also visit our bibliotherapy section for some great books about preparing for marriage. Good luck!
very nice articles … thanks for sharing it ,,
i have been engaged for about 5 months …. i like my fiance character ,,,i find in him mostly everything i wish ,,, but till now i feel that i am not emotionally commited ,,, my feelings toward him is just respect and i feel happy because of his nice feelimgs toward me,,,,
people say that i will love him after marriage but i am afraid i dont ,,,,,, i am very hesitant and confused ,,, and very afraid to be walking in the wrong way ,,, but he is reallly a good person ,,, what shall i do ?
Thank you for your comment Nasim jan. It’s great you found the article insightful.
the article was great and very insightful. I agree with every word of it. I hope with all the restrictions and limitation that are embedded in our cultures and traditions we can implement and put them in use.
Thanks for all the efforts.
Dear SeekingCounseling,
What about her sexual desires? What about her need to be respected, reassured, and relieved? What about his emotional need to be loved.
It seems to me you have a limited understanding of humans.
Dear SeekingCounseling,
Alhamdulillah that you found the information useful even after you have married. We definitely agree that many of the points apply both before and after marriage. We pray that you and your husband are able to resolve your issues and grow as a couple, enjoying a fruitful and happy relationship, inshAllah amin. If possible, please update us with your progress once you’ve pursued counseling–we’d love to hear from you again!
I liked this article. However, I have to disagree with the part where it says a spouse isn’t responsible to change direction, responsiblity and bring happiness. This might be true in some cases, but the opposite is also true and is supposed to be the islamic perspective from what I know. Because, having a spouse, for a young man or woman, uplifts them and gives them a different view of life and love, and brings them to a better position of practicing faith and doing the necessary for the worldly life. Hence, the messenger of Allah called it ‘half of deen’.
Alhamdullilah this article was extremely well written. I saw alot of characteristics that I am my husband have and it just really clarifies that fact that we need counseling. May Allah Bless you for writing this article as it was very insightful. So many of us make the mistake of not digging enough not finding out enough or discussing things that would affect us in a marriage. Then when we get married and we are unhappy we don’t understand. And it’s because we did not take the proper steps at making sure that we are compatible truly compatible with our mates. Every marriage has problems, but some problems are problems that always existed and because you were too busy being in love with an image of a person, you cant see them. May Allah Allow us all to get to jannah ameen!
Dear Sabra,
Thank you for your comment. We’re so pleased you found it beneficial!
Dear Author,
Very fruitful article mashallah.
This article was very helpful. Although it continually mentions what you should avoid, i feel it needs some hints and tips for improving such characteristics.
very beneficial…
human needs constant learning, and constant reminder..
MSA really great atricle,,
Jazakum Allah Khairan
In one article you discuss the need to get rid of stigma associated with mental health yet in this article you stigmatize those with emotional struggles as undesirable partners who should be ‘avoided’ ???
I think this is really a very good subject to talk about,I wish all parents realise (before their sons and daughters) the importance of this issue , as young people have small experience in life and need their parents` guide in choosing the suitable one for marriage.
I’ve known the basic outline of most of these common-sense principles for marriage (found in general Islamic studies), but I’ve never read anything so eloquent that perfectly sums up what a person needs to know when looking for the right partner. This was written and analyzed very nicely, and I wish most people would read this and understand these 10 Ways for their own marriages because they definitely need it.
Dear Perry,
Thank you for bringing this point to light. We want to make it perfectly clear that no one is disputing the leadership rights of the husband in Islam. However, it’s important to note that those rights necessitate following the perfect example of the Prophet (sal Allahu `alayhi wa salam) which is to treat one’s wife with mercy, patience, love, and dignity. What our description in #7 is referring to is someone who abuses his authority and lacks a balanced understanding of what it means to be the leader of his household to the point where he becomes abusive and tyrannical in his expectations.
I’m head over heels for all but #7.
As I understand it, a husband has a right to make demands of his wife’s behavior. That this is done in a certain manner–some more conducive to the deen than others–is not disputed. But this point seems to imply the man doesn’t have this right, or worse, that him using this right is somehow improper.
great point, Tariq. I agree. It’s important to point out the ways in which many of these points in the article can be taken the wrong way.
I feel like some might read #1 (do not marry potential) in an unintended light. Brothers are often scrutinized economically by families and potential spouses when they make proposals, etc. Suppose a brother is of modest financial means or family pedigree, but has great potential for success in this regard (we’re putting religion aside for now); reading #1 cynically might cause one to reject such a man due to his apparent lack of finances and position (despite, in some cases, his religious quality and dunya potential). I’ve seen this devastate people, so that’s where I’m pulling out the interpretation. Maybe this is not how most see it, but I have unfortunately seen many excellent brothers with tremendous potential (and eventual success) turned away early on by women who held that they did not possess a requisite level of financial stability. This is arguably highly unrealistic, given that modest means in the West can support very decent and acceptable standards of living.
Great article (aside from a few issues I have with some gender-based assumptions made in #3).
I think in addition to using this article to aid us in better understanding how we feel about someone else, it’s equally important to use this article to aid us in better understanding what’s wrong with Ourselves. Self-knowledge is an essential foundation of any relationship. We should all ask ourselves the very questions we are asking of others, and work on improving our own shortcomings as well, so that when a potential partner gets to know us, we are appreciated as desirable partners as well. It’s all a two-way street!
oh im sorry, i meant jazakAllah *huge* for this
whoever wrote this has saved my life. lol
jazakAllah hug for this.
This article provides useful and practical information for those in a marriage and or considering it. Jazakum Allahu kheiran!
Very nice, brief well expressed & thought provoking article… it encourages you to think rationally before making the most important decision of one’s life…totally worth sharing.
Mashallah, very nice article. This is workth Sharing with friends.
Definitely a good article to refer back to. And I’ve forwarded it to a few friends already. Very practical, and calls to mind the important things we forget about when considering “love.”
mA
This article is very informative & educative especially to us the young muslims. It gives us an insight of what to expect from our partners and also what is expected of us by others.
This is a wonderful article. I’m going to save it and share it with all the single ladies I know.
Superb! Jazaakallahu khair! A very well written and insightful article! Thank you!
Thank you very much and Jazzakum-Allah Khair. As Russullah S.A.W. said that we are a forgetful creature, and it is our duty to remind each other about the purpose of life and all its responsibilites. Salaam-o-Alikum wa Rahmatullah.
Interesting and pertinent information. From my experience, the most important factor for a Muslim should be to find a mate that has the same Islamic perspective and goals. The Prophet (pbuh) has said that if a man asks for the hand of your daughter and you find him to be of good Islamic character (ie. sincerely practices Islam), then you should accept the proposal (even if he is poor), otherwise there will be much fitna (social problems). When women look at the financial situation of a person over his Islamic practice, or if men consider the beauty of a woman over her Islamic practice, then as they say, we get what we ask for. But if both partners practice Islam in their relationships, then even if everything else between them is completely opposite, they can still have a good and happy marriage, insha Allah.
But of course it is Islam that teaches us to practice what is in the rest of the article, so I completely support your last point #6. If couples follow their obligations, no one will need to ask for their rights.
Masha’Allah. Although this is catering to the Muslim audience, every single person (muslim or non-muslim) can benefit from this article.
Amazing! This is a very insightful & balanced article, I loved it!
I am inspired to be more thoughtful before settling down for the ‘right’ man…
Great article. I hope people will appreciate & understand the message. It takes an open heart & mind to be able to make sense & see things in the bigger picture.
This was really informative, and a great article to refer back to. Thanks! Can’t wait for other articles to come!
This is an excellent reminder – not only for single Muslims but also for married Muslims on expectations for marriage. Often our ideas of love and marriage are convoluted by the media and society and people get blinded overlooking the important aspects of what makes a person a good marriage partner. So thank you for this well written article and iA may Allah SWT give us the wisdom to look for the right things in a marriage partner, one that will bring us closer to Allah SWT, and be grateful for the good spouses we have been given.
Jazaks!
Shahzia